


See The Light In Others

by somniumfelix



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Anxiety, Artist! Sirius, Blind! Sirius, Child Abuse, Comfort, Cuddling, F/M, Falling In Love, First Dates, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Getting Together, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, I swear this is actually really light and happy for the most part, Implied/Referenced Character Death, James Potter is a Good Friend, Light Angst, M/M, Mild Hurt/Comfort, POC James Potter, Past Abuse, Sharing a Bed, Sleepy Cuddles, Strong Language, Swearing, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, two dumb gay boys
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-11
Updated: 2020-07-23
Packaged: 2021-03-05 06:40:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 35,669
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25210090
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/somniumfelix/pseuds/somniumfelix
Summary: Sirius shifted his whole body to face Remus and bought his hands to cup his friends face."You're perfect to me, with or without the scar, Remus Lupin." He smiled."You can't see me, Sirius!""And you'd be the most beautiful human I'd ever laid eyes on if I could. Considering that will never happen, you'll just have to be the most beautiful human I've ever touched or heard, won't you? It was destiny that I met you, I think, Rem. I don't know why."Remus knew he'd ask out the beautiful blind artist at some point, but things just seemed to keep getting in the way (mainly anxiety, sometimes friends, definitely family.)What had Sirius called it again? Cosmic Karma?
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 182
Kudos: 244





	1. Beautiful

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to the wonderful friends over on the Shifting Lines Discord! This is for Book - I hope this makes up for the copious amounts on Angst I have made you suffer through, my lovely!

Days like these were always unbearable. Rain drove students inside, and after having spent six weeks couped up with their parents at home, no-one seemed particularly interested in staying in their dorm rooms. The corridors around the university were packed with a mix of first-years rushing in a lost panic and other years strolling without a care in the world.

Remus only wanted to read! He'd suffered in the six weeks holidays too: his mother was obsessed with gardening and did her utmost to get her son out of the house, and his father would take him out, often hiking and on road trips. Perhaps this was in an attempt to pretend he had a son who was interested in the outdoors, rather than locking up inside and reading all the time. Remus tried not to dwell on the thought, instead basking in the beauty of the university which, although was uncomfortably crowded, was more like home than anywhere else.

The young boy didn't particularly have any friends to speak of to make University the exciting experience everyone had made it out to be. He had uncontrollable hair, dark circles beneath his eyes, and a slight limp on days that were worse than others. The scar stretching across his face made him look less than friendly, and the books, worn cardigans, and permanent anxious look on his face didn't exactly make him look like a cool, interesting kid to hang with. But the lack of social experience didn't change the fact that this place _was_ his home.

He stayed in dorms with other students, who seemed in a steady ground between quiet bookworms and uncontrollable party animals, but was still too fast-paced for Remus, who was more than content to curl up in the university library and re-read Shakespeares Collective Works for the umpteenth time.

Today, however, the library was packed to the brim with students 'studying' (camping out and avoiding the rain), and no matter how Mrs Pince, the librarian, tried, the patterned chatter and bellowing laughter wouldn't cease.

History classrooms were the same, the lecture hall was being used, and every other classroom seemed to have at least one or two clusters of students. 

He wasn't an art student by any means, but was clinging to the hope that the studios might be empty as his absolute last resort, and seemed to let out a breath he didn't know he was holding when he came to an almost empty room.

Remus looked into the room from the large studio window, and saw another student so beautiful he felt his breath get caught in his throat.

The man was sat at a table in the middle of the room, facing the front with his chin held high. Long, pale fingers ghosted over a notebook in front of him, but he didn't seem to be drawing. Gorgeous black hair fell down to his shoulders, framing his face and highlighting his protruding cheekbones wonderfully. He wore skinny jeans, a grey crop top, leather jacket, and combat boots, which would have seemed a little grub on anyone else, but the stranger looked no less than perfect.

For the first time ever, he did something without overthinking and pushed open the door to the classroom with gusto.

The figure in the middle of the room flinched slightly but made no move to turn his head towards the door. Remus caught sight of a large black dog, a labrador by the looks of it, nestled comfortably under the desk, ears perking at the sounds around him.

"Pete you absolute prick!" He even sounded beautiful, Remus noted, despite the swearing and wrong name. His voice seemed almost cocky, slightly hoarse and Remus knew he would do anything to hear that voice every day he had the chance. "I've been here a damn hour! If you tell me you've been off snogging that Mary bitch again, I will flip the fuck out, mate!"

Remus took a tentative step into the room and let the door close softly behind him.

"S-sorry, not Pete. Just looking for a room to sit in to read. Do... Uh, do you mind?" He could only see the back of his head now he was in the room, and he, as before, didn't turn his head to look at him.

"Not at all! Actually, perfect timing! My friend, Peter, never showed! Mind if I draw you for class? I promise I won't be a bother and you can just sit and read!"

Remus made a move to sit in the seat in front and to the left of the man, and saw his face straight on. His eyes were closed and face peaceful. "Sure, but I'm not exactly the prettiest sight to draw."

He sat down, dropped his bag to the ground - startling the dog a little - and opened his book. He immediately began to read, finding no need to talk to the man as they fell into a comfortable silence. He could hear him moving, and what sounded like pencils falling onto the table as he sunk further into the words of the book

_My mistress’ eyes are nothing like the sun;_

_Coral is far more red than her lips’ red;_

_If snow be white, why then her breasts are dun;_

_If hairs be wires, black wires grow on her head._

_I have seen roses damask’d, red and white,_

Suddenly, Remus felt a warm hand press to his cheek and thumb swipe across the skin as he looked up, eyes meeting captivating grey iris' and long, dark eyelashes.

"What the hell-!"

"You seem very handsome to me!" The stranger smiled, tilting his head to the side in innocence.

Remus's breath caught again and he wondered if the person before him could make him suffocate under the elegance of his beauty, before insecurity finally caught up.

"And why the hell did you need to grab my face to decide that?!"

The dark-haired boy grinned wide. "I mean, I need to see my subject of course!"

Remus would have presumed he looked confused - who wouldn't be at a statement like that - but that didn't quite make sense after the next comment.

"Oh! I'm an idiot! I'm blind, by the way! If you couldn't guess!"

Everything seemed to click into place at once - not turning around, calling him the wrong person, the damn dog! Of course, he was blind! Not just anyone could bring a great bloody dog into a university!

"It's not your fault!" He laughed, as though hearing Remus's thoughts whirring in his head, "I spend my time with the same three fucking idiots and I always manage to forget to say when I meet new people!"

"O-oh..." Remus stammered, slightly dumbfounded, "So, what, you touch people and feel what they look like to draw?"

"Exactly! I understand if you don't want me to draw you now, it makes some people uncomfortable. But you are beautiful and I'd love to have a go!"

_If I'm beautiful, you must be flawless,_ he thought, gazing at his face and feeling both happy that the other man couldn't see him staring, but guilty that he didn't know how intently he was looking. He realized that his hand was still pressed to his face, thumb light on his cheek. It felt far too intimate, and if the other man could feel the heat rising beneath his hand as Remus blushed, well, he didn't say anything.

"No, it's okay," Remus said, unaware if it was because he wanted to help the stranger who'd been stood up, or because he wanted to savour the feeling of his soft skin on his own.

The man before him beamed, "Fabulous! Mind if I have a good feel, get an idea of what you look like? Then I only need to keep one hand on you as I draw and you can read totally undisturbed, I promise."

Remus agreed, of course, and quickly his face was cupped by both hands that began to feel around his face. Fingertips started on either side of his head, trailing down over his temples and browbones, and palms pressed to his cheek and down to his jaw. His fingers continued along his jawline, and thumbs stroked over his neck. He then moved to graze on top of Remus's eyelids, then underneath his eyes and over the dark circles, then down either side of his nose. The whole situation was already uncomfortably close for Remus but became more so when the pads of his fingers came to his lips, running over his cupid bow and stroking on his lower lip. When the hands found his hair and fingers ran through his locks, he thought (hoped) that was the end of it. However, before the hands dropped, one finger found its way to the bottom of the scar on his face.

It was as though the other student was creating a map in his mind, plotting every dimple, scar, and bump on his skin and storing it deep in his brain, and Remus couldn't find it in him to care. 

"Scar?" He asked, before sweeping over his face, gently following the line in his flesh across his nose until it finished below his right eye. The only response he provided was a deep hum that must have vibrated in his neck, not trusting his voice in that moment. 

He half expected a question about it, as so many before him had, until finding his breath catch once more as the beautiful boy murmured.

"You really are exquisite. Absolutely gorgeous..."

Remus's voice failed him when he tried to give a response and only waited until his right hand dropped, left hand firmly planted on his cheek once again.

"I think I'm good to go! Go ahead with your reading, love!"

However, with the hand to his skin and sound of pencils scratching on paper, he couldn't seem to focus. Every now and then, the hand moved, sometimes to prod and feel at his nose a little more, or thumb over his dimple, and Remus realized he'd read the first two lines of Sonnet 24 five times over, getting no further than the time before it. His mind felt full, buzzing and crammed with curiosity about the stunning guy. He didn't even know his university catered to students with disabilities like blindness - _I mean they have to? I'm glad they do, anyway..._

He was an amazing artist too! The drawing, while still just a rough sketch, looked so like him it was scary, even more so when it was drawn by someone who had never even seen him before.

"You have questions." The silence was broken, and panic washed through Remus as he worried if he'd spoken out loud. "You can ask! Whatever you ask, I've probably heard worse!"

That was likely true. It felt inappropriate to ask him for his name, strangely enough, as through the enigma of it all was what made the black-clad man so attractive.

"Can you see anything at all?" He finally settled on questioning. The man's pencil never left the paper and hand never left his face.

"Very little," He replied, smiling, "Its all really, really blurry and there are black... spots? Patches, I guess, that sort of float about. I can pick up colours a little bit if they're in big blocks, like that you're wearing some sort of greyish top, and your hair is this striking tawny brown and you're really quite pale, probably paler than me, but I can't see your eye colour or if your scar is pink or white or whatever."

"Brown. Amber, if you want to be specific. And pink, dusty." He hoped he understood what he meant, and judging by how his eyes glistened a little more and smile stretched a touch wider, he presumed he had. "You talk as if you used to be able to see." 

_Well that didn't sound insensitive at all, did it, Rem?_ He cringed. His companion gave a satisfied laugh, tilting his head back and exposing his neck a bit.

"Yeah," He chucked, "Until I was 16," his smile faltering slightly before grinning again, a little more forced than before. That was that, Remus presumed, and pressed the issue no further.

He looked around the room for a moment; it was bright and colourful with spilt paint and artwork everywhere, with the smell of acrylic and clay heavy in the air. The boy seemed to fit perfectly with his dark clothes and bubbling personality. "How come it's only you in here? Every other room is full."

"Lots of noise can be... overwhelming, let's say! I need to focus on sounds for people entering a room or when I drop things, so Minnie keeps this room for me only. Oh, and friends, if needed!"

Remus tilted his head, accidentally pushing his cheek into the stranger's hand, who didn't seem to mind at all, and understood why. "Minnie! McGonagall, you'll know her as deputy, but she also works with student welfare. Special kids, like me!" He announced chirpily.

"Makes sense. Thanks for letting me in, then, you won't get in trouble, will you?"

"Nah, Minnie's chill! And as I said," He seemed to look at Remus now, stroking his thumb over his scar, "Friends are allowed!"

It seemed strange, to have him consider Remus a friend when they didn't even know each other's names. But strangers didn't run their hands like this over other strangers skin, and it seemed to fit perfectly for the pair who met in the right place at the right time, with strange circumstances and even stranger personalities.

Remus gave a small squeak as his friend's thumb felt over his lips, startling him and his pencil dropped to the floor.

"Oh! I'll get it!" Remus began to shuffle from his seat.

A hand raised in front of his face. "No worries! Padfoot, you lazy sod!"

The beautiful dog beneath the desk stirred, standing and stretching, before taking the pencil between his teeth and placing it onto the desk. 

"He isn't really lazy, I love him to bits!" His hand dug into his pocket and fished out a small bone-shaped biscuit and placing it in front of the pup, who took it gently, setting back under the desk to eat it. "My life has gotten so much easier since I've gotten him. Sometimes, he's a bit slow though," He giggled.

"He's beautiful!" Remus grinned, giving the first confident smile since settling into the room, hoping his voice would carry over his delight.

"He is! My parent's picked him out as a surprise for me after- well, and they couldn't have made a better choice! Dopey idiot, haha!"

They did seem like a perfect fit, Remus heeded, both in dark colours but with happy grins and personalities. His parents chose well.

They settled back into silence and Remus found himself able to read this time, undistracted by his thoughts and questions. The sound of the pencil was more comforting than irritating and the hand stroking over his face wasn't so awkward or uncomfortable anymore. He continued to read, eyes flicking every now and then between the pages in his hand, the beautiful look of concentration over the artists face, and the wonderful drawing - that became less and less like a rough sketch and far more refined, and it seemed like looking in a mirror.

He draws perfectly, getting the proportions spot on, details in his scar faultless and features supremely shaped. He missed some features, of course; there were no dark circles under his eyes, and his nose a touch more crooked, but it was as near as dammit. Remus wondered how he could draw so well without seeing the paper, when he had nothing, no texture or sound or anything, to know where he was placing his pencil, but decided that was a question for another day.

"How is it looking?" His pencil stopped scratching over the paper for a moment and Remus closed his book, settling it on the desk.

"It's absolutely amazing! You're so talented, its-." He was interrupted by the sound of a bell, from the man's phone, who began to shuffle his hands across the desk in search of it. "Uh, two o'clock?" Remus hoped that was right.

Hands glided in the (thankfully) right direction and he took the phone, tapping the screen for a moment before a loud, artificial voice echoed in the room.

_'Sorry mate, got caught up! Joined Newlyweds at the Shack before they head back to the flat to get pissed-d! You joining? Bought that collar for Pads b-t-w.'_

He sighed as he tucked his phone in his pocket, "That's me off then, I'm afraid!"

"Oh that's okay, getting pissed seems like more fun than keeping your hand on my face for any longer, I'm sure!"

The boy mumbled something intelligible, face dropping slightly before smiling again, softer this time.

"Mind helping me pack up? Pads can only do so much."

"Oh of course! Tell me what you need!"

He directed Remus, having him put the pencils back into a tin, then into his satchel, along with his sketchpad, water bottle and a few other items; the man apologized after every polite instruction, and Remus followed every one with reassurances that he was happy enough to help! Padfoot, who had now awoken properly, was bounding about excitedly as he was clipped into his neon yellow harness, treats thrown his way.

"Thank you for your help, darling!" The stranger smirked with his hand resting on the door handle.

"Not at all! My pleasure."

The man tucked a strand of his hair behind his ear and scratched the back of his neck, smile fading slightly. "Well! I'm here every day outside of classes, so feel free to come along whenever! I don't know how much fun I am to hang out with, and you probably want quiet, and sometimes my friends are WAY too fucking loud, and-,"

"Hey!" Remus stopped his somewhat nervous rambling, "You've been lovely to sit with!"

His face turned a little pink and the cocky smile returned, as bright as it was before. "Oh! Well then, maybe I'll see you again soon? Or, not see."

Remus knew he'd be back, there was no doubt about that at all. This man - this beautiful stranger - was the first person he'd really spoken to since starting University a year before, and he wasn't about to lose that any time soon.

"Maybe so."

"Great! I really ought to go now, though! My name is Sirius, by the way! Sirius Black, considering you were too anxious to ask me. Thank you again, Remus!" He gave a final wide smile, before opening the door, Padfoot plodding through, tail wagging, followed swiftly by his owner - Sirius - and the door closed quietly behind them.

Remus smiled to himself, his own satchel hanging on his shoulder and the copy of Shakespeares Collective Works in his arms, bookmark no more the two pages ahead then it had been two hours prior. A beautiful name to match a beautiful face. His hand touched the handle as he was about to leave.

"Wait... I never told him. How did he know my name?!"


	2. Milky Tea and Sardony

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MAN I seemed to have finished this chapter at 2k and spent more time making it longer than writing the original thing! But I also seem to have a plan for where this is headed and hope ya'll are on board for the ride! <3

When Remus said he might be back - under the knowledge that he knew he'd be back - he presumed he'd return to the paint-stained studio once, perhaps twice more, or a couple of times a week if he got the chance. However, it had gotten to the end of October, and Remus realized he'd been back every single weekday. Every. Single. One.

While the University was open at weekends, he needed time for classwork and studying, which he tried to do when in Sirius's company, but soon became flustered when his hand came to his face, or they'd begin to talk and never quite stop until Sirius's phone went off. 'Summoned by the dickheads' he soon began to name the time when his phone chimed, and Remus would help him pack up, and get Padfoot in his harness before he left.

Learning how to do that damn harness seemed harder than any of the exams Remus had ever done in his life (and he took Further Maths at GCSE for some masochistic reason). It was a mix of Sirius not explaining well, and then Remus getting flushed at the closeness (the feeling of Sirius's fingers running along his own and side pressed to his was practically unbearable), followed by a remark of 'Fucking hell Rem! You seem blinder than I am!' - it took a couple of weeks to get a grasp of both the harness and Sirius's hilariously cynical humour. 

Neither boy seemed to notice when Remus became Rem, or when Sirius became Siri (initially in retaliation but soon in endearment) and neither seemed to care. Remus still wasn't sure how Sirius new his name in the first place, and consistently forgot to ask.

They spoke of nothing and everything. Remus learned how Sirius only took Art, which had always been his passion and learned to do again after he went blind. He lived with his friend James and his wife Lily - not nearly as awkward as it sounds, Sirius assured, It's not like he would walk in and see anything, but the 'heightened hearing was a bit of a curse'! James studied Archeology and have a huge passion for adventure (obvious by the pranks he and Sirius had pulled since they met in year 3)!

They had another friend called Peter, who they met at Uni as he took Hospitality with Lily, who had been dating James since they were 17! It seemed like a beautiful friendship group that Remus couldn't help but be slightly jealous of. They all seemed to find a wonderful group of people nothing alike to them and wanted nothing more to be apart of it with them.

Sirius, in turn, learnt of how Remus was an anxious kid, and now an anxious adult studying Classical Studies with a focus on Greek Mythological Studies. He had no friends to speak of, but never seemed sad at this, and was comfortable in his own company (and now Sirius's, too). Remus loved his tea far too milky for any sane English person ("Good," Remus had replied, "I'm Welsh, anyway!") and lived in oversised sweaters even though he was 6'2".

Remus never asked how Sirius went blind, and Sirius never asked why Remus had that scar.

They moved in perfect harmony during their daily visits. Their lessons landed perfectly, so from 3 pm to 5:30 pm every day, they were both free, and Sirius spent those two hours drawing, often drawing Remus, who sat with his head slightly in a book and mostly in Sirius's words. 5:30 came about, and Sirius headed off out of the door first to go to 'The Shack' (a large shed at Peter's family home where they had a stash of alcohol and spent their free time before James, Lily and Sirius went back to their flat). Remus held back for a moment, smiling to himself in glee, willing his blush to die down, before pulling his jumper to his chin and walking out of the door.

Today was no different: Remus flooded with heat and tried to drag his crush (he denied it no longer, the one man he spoke to he fell head over heels for) under control and Sirius's hand rested on the side of his face, pencil gliding over his sketchbook.

That was, however, until the door to the studio flew open and three students stood in the doorway.

"Come here, Pads!" One of them called. He was a tall, darker-skinned man with insanely messy hair and large round glasses, dressed in a simple hoodie and jeans. Clinging on his arm was a smaller girl, with beautiful long ginger hair, and pale skin covered in light freckles. She, and another boy stood behind them slightly (a chubbier, short man with a wide grin and rosy cheeks), wore similar, smart clothes of formal trousers and pressed, pristine, white shirts.

"Oh of course!" Sirius sighed dramatically, bringing the hand that was on Remus's face to his forehead in a feigned sign of distress, "Care more about my dog than me, your ill, disabled friend!" He then clutched at his chest in heartbroken desperation, "Your platonic soulmate, your brother, your Best Man!"

"Ah shut up, you prick!" The dark-haired man spat in jest. "So," He began, patting Padfoot, who had happily bounced to the man, on his head, "This is The Pretty Boy, is it? Remus, am I right?" He smirked knowingly, and Remus devoured the shocked, flustered and overwhelmed look on Sirius's face, before feeling the heat rise to his own skin.  _ No way Sirius had called him that... _

Before either boy could reply, the shortest man stepped forward, pushing the couple out of the way and leaning on Sirius's shoulder. He pinched Remus's cheek between his thumb and forefinger, wiggling him, "It must! Looks exactly like him, Jamie!!" His voice went up an octave, dropping Remus's cheek and looking angelically towards the ceiling, " _ He just felt so beautiful, James! His cheeks, his hair! I could be in love _ !" Before falling into fits of laughter!

Sirius seemed, shockingly, to go even redder than he had been, and if he could see, Remus guessed, he would have run out of the room immediately! 

The girl finally stepped forwards, pulling in the man she was latched to and the door closed behind them.

"That's him alright! Now knock it off, boys, they both look like they could die right about now!" She attempted to sound somewhat bossy, and she seemed like the authoritative figure in the room, but couldn't help the giggle that slipped from her lips as she finished.

"Remus..." Sirius started, mostly as a mumble, "This would be Lily, James," He gestured to the darker man who gave a single wave and smirk, "And Peter." Pointing to the blonde man who remained doubled over in laughter.

Ah. That explained it. Well, some of it!

"O-oh, it's nice to meet you all." He squeaked, suddenly aware we was in the presence of his only friend (and crushes) best friends. 

It didn't seem to get awkward, which Remus was grateful of, as they all sat around the table, Sirius packing up his art materials to make more room for everyone. It was clear by how they spoke that Remus's suspicions were true, Sirius  _ did _ talk about him to his friends, but couldn't bring himself to mind too much. They skipped over meaningless formalities and fell into pleasant laughs and jokes, once the teasing had ceased, of course.

"So, Remus!" James began, leaning into Lily's side as he leered, "Classical Studies, huh? I never really understood why anyone took that!"

He received a smack on the arm from the small girl, "It's a wonderful subject, isn't it Remus?" 

"Is it though, my love?" James questioned jokingly, earning a screech of laughter from Peter.

"I have to agree with James, Lil, I'm sorry! I just can't understand why you want to learn about a bunch of dead people!"

"It's more than that," Remus piped up nervously, "It's all about learning about how people recorded and studied and passed on stories throughout the ages! It's beautiful to learn about how culture has changed with things like Myths and old media and how we carry that into today's actions!"

Lily shot a hand up in vindication and began to follow up Remus's point about the beauty of the subject. Peter continued to laugh and Sirius looked stunned, head turning in every direction to follow the noise.

James shushed his wife, holding his hands up in innocence, "Okay, babe, okay, you two enjoy studying it, whatever!"

"Huh? Lily, you study it too?"

"Yup!" She chirped, "I only have it as a Minor though, so I'm only in one or two of your lectures! I always wanted to come and say hi, but you seemed to prefer your own company!"

Remus thought over this for a moment, about how Lily was in his class and knew who he was, and finally asked what he'd been meaning to for the past month. He turned to his left to face Sirius, who seemed to know what was coming if the blush crawling up his neck and onto his face was anything to go by.

"Sirius... Did you  _ guess _ who I was when we met because Lily told you about me?"

The room fell silent - even of Peter's giggles - and Lily looked smug at Sirius, likely thankful he couldn't see. Sirius, in turn, bought his hand back to his neck and gave a halfhearted laugh.

"W-well, she always told me about this boy in her class-"

"You asked me about him!"

"-And then I realized you had that scar and, well, not a lot of people here do, I guess, so I took a shot in the dark and put two and two together, then-"

Remus couldn't help it, and burst out into fits of laughter, stunning the group around him, and mostly Sirius, who's face fell fast.

"Are you kidding?! That's been bugging me for a month! You just guessed based on what Lily said? That's amazing, Siri!"

Then came Peter's turn to laugh, rather tense and forced, "D-did you just call him Siri?!"

"Uh, yeah, why?"

"Well, no one has called him that after R-" Sirius's hand shot out across the table, smacking into Peter's mouth and squeezing at his cheeks.

They stayed in silence for a small moment longer, slightly awkwardly, until a small giggle slipped from Sirius. Who was followed by Lily, then James and finally Remus. Peter attempted to laugh, face still smushed into Sirius's hand, and the sound came out as no more than a choked whine. 

Even as he laughed, Remus wanted nothing more to ask why saying Siri was so strange, or who had called him it before him. He secretly hoped it was an ex-boyfriend - not because of the ex thing, or the obvious awkward tension it caused - but for the confirmation of Sirius's sexuality. But, by judgement of the atmosphere, even as they all howled with laughter, it was a bad question to ask. 

The laughter eventually settled, and they continued to talk, Remus learning more and more about the group around him. Peter took Hospitality, which is what Lily majored in, taking CS to just boost her CV when they left University. It didn't seem like they needed it, though, as James had a hefty inheritance coming his way from his father, who ran a company specializing in hair care products. It confused Remus a little when James referred to his parents to Sirius as 'our parents', considering how unalike the pair were and seemed as far from brothers as two people could be, but presumed an explanation would come his way one day, likely soon!

James and Lily had married right after college, and bought a flat together at 18, which Sirius moved into as he'd only been blind for two years, and was still getting used to it. Peter remained with his parents, as his mother was ill and he wanted to spend his time caring for her when he wasn't studying, with friends, or watching James's practices (he was captain for the University football team; he really was a whole load of talents rolled into one)! The relationship the group had was beautiful, and Remus initially felt the feeling of jealousy crawling across his skin, before settling as he realised how they spoke to him.

They talked to Remus as if they had been friend's for years, instantly taking him under his wing and keeping him feel settled. They teased and joked with him, never taking it too far, but making sure he knew he was friends with them now, and he seemed like he was stuck for a while. 

He didn't seem to mind.

"I fancy coffee! Anyone else?" Lily asked and rested her head on her husband's shoulder.

Everyone agreed (Sirius insisted he paid for Remus, who said he ought to save his loan for that month) and all began grabbing bags, James strapping Padfoot into his harness as though he'd done it a thousand times before.

"Jamie!" Sirius called as they walked to the studio door, "Mind taking Pads? I'll be alright!"

James gave a wink (again, why he did this Remus wasn't quite sure, considering Sirius couldn't see him do it) and happily took Padfoot, fussing the puppy and feeding him treats.

"We'll catch up with you!" Sirius called once more, seeing Peter, James, Lily and Pads walk out the door as he shouldered his satchel. Remus would have gone with them but had the sense that Sirius wanted to talk to him. Not that Remus would have denied the company of his friend, who seemed to get more and more gorgeous every time he looked at him.

He felt an arm slip into his and Sirius pressed his side against his own. "Is this alright? You can guide me, then!"

"U-uh, not at all. Ready?" He began walking when Sirius gave a cheerful hum, opening the door and leading him through.

They navigated through the university corridors with ease, grateful it was coming to 5 pm and most students had gone, and made their way out of the building towards a local coffee shop (Peter demanded to go, disliking the 'cheap crap' they sold at the cafeteria).

They walked down the road with a steady pace, Remus keeping Sirius close to him. The pair remained in a comfortable silence, Sirius just humming quietly to himself.

He couldn't help it - Remus loved having Sirius near him, feeling his hand on his arm and hair brushing against his cheek every now and then. He was captivating, and Remus kept having to remind himself to look in front of them, not at Sirius, while he was acting as the eyes for both of them!

"Do you want to take a break?" The dark-haired man finally spoke, looking slightly towards Remus as he did.

"Huh? No, I'm okay, the cafe is only about 30 seconds away."

"Oh, It's just that you've started limping."

Only then did Remus realize he was, not used to walking distances like this anymore, other than when his father dragged him out hiking. 

"I can hear your steps, Rem." Sirius clarified.

"Oh."

Sirius pointed out that there should be a bench a few paces away, to which he was right, and the pair settled down, Remus seeing the Cafe was actually only a few steps ahead.

"Uh, I want to apologise."

"What for?" Remus questioned. Sirius blinked once, and then twice, seemingly in shock.

"...For my friends? Well, telling my friends about us. No! Not us, we aren't a thing, I mean, but about you and me and- and us-"

"Hey," Remus stopped him, placing his hand on Sirius's forearm, "I get it! It's cool! You actually helped, I was far less awkward than I would have been if they treated me like a stranger."

"The thing is, I really have loved spending time with you, a lot, and obviously it's only been in the studio. You're wonderful, you really are, you're just amazing, but I want to see you more! Well, not see, obviously! But feel - no, not feel, that's wrong - but I would love if, if it's okay with- I mean, if you wanted to-"

"Hey!" James shouted, interrupting, gabbing both boys on the shoulder and leaning over them from behind, "What are you two doing here then? Come on, let's get going inside! Lily wants her fancy iced coffee bullshit!"

He made no hesitation to drag the two inside (promptly shoving Padfoot's lead into Sirius's hands so he no longer required to keep his arm on Remus for assistance) and they joined Lily and Peter inside.

Neither mentioned the previous conversation, but Remus was desperate to know what he was going to ask him.

Warming up for being in the Autumn winds, Remus and Sirius sat down at the table, opposite Lily and James. Peter had offered to grab the drinks as thanks (and apology) for dragging them outside of campus just for coffee. He came back, warm drinks in hand and passed them out. Before he even had the chance to take a sip, Sirius hopped right into insulting Remus for his choice - just a milky English tea - while everyone else divulged in what he claimed were 'proper drinks'.

Despite complaining of the cold more than the others, Lily had ordered the iced drink James had previously referred to, the latter having a caramel latte. Peter and Sirius both had one shot Americanos and they settled back into flowing conversation

Remus took a moment to look at the people around him: at Peter, who had the worlds most contagious laugh and bright cheeks when he did so, James who was easily the best comedian he'd ever met, and Lily with her motherly pestering and love for classic books that Remus shared with no one else. Of course, there was Sirius, too, who was a combination of all three of them, a bundle of beauty, laughter and talent that Remus couldn't tear away from.

He'd had friends in the past, who he sat with in Junior School, or spoke to in passing at Seniors, but he'd never made the effort to get to know people or see them outside of a school setting.  _ What was the point _ , he always told himself,  _ all I need to do is work hard and get a job. _ Socialising had always been so exhausting! He was fine to put in the effort, but into work or studies, never people. Everything felt to different now, as though the bubbling personalities around him shone a light on his life he had never quite seen before.

For the first time since starting university (or perhaps the first time ever, if he was feeling especially self-deprecating and cynical) Remus felt like he fit in, smothered by a hyperactive group that he wouldn't seem to mind putting the effort to keeping up with.

Heat leaned into him, and he realized Sirius had his lips near his ear.

"Hey, you doing okay?"

The others continued to chat away, Peter hyperventilating over some hilarious banter between him and James, Lily looking both in love and thoroughly disappointed with her husband. Remus must have zoned out, not remembering what the funny, but presumably rude joke James had made.

"Yeah, I'm good, are you?" He finally whispered back. Sirius placed his hand on Remus's wrist on the table, rubbing his thumb over the pulse point calmly.

"Yeah. You just went quiet for a bit and I got worried. We can go outside for a bit if it's getting too loud or overwhelming? I just want you to be happy!"

"No no!" Remus shook his head and smiled, "Thank you, but I'm fine. Better than fine. I'm really happy, Siri!"

They talked for a moment longer, and once satisfied that his friend was happy, Sirius leaned back and re-joined the conversation, as did Remus.

He gave another glance around, smiling in Peters direction as he took a sip from his mug. For a moment, he imagined he caught James' eyes on him, narrowed and glaring, but as he looked over, saw the dark-haired man grinning, and chalked it up to his own anxieties.

Settling into conversations about underrated Roman literature with Lily, Remus recognised he'd never been quite so happy.


	3. Braille and Jealousy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's a mostly sorted plan for this now! I keep going off a little bit (this chapter was meant to include another scene that I'll have to put in the next one as this was already longer than the previous chapters) but for the most part, I have a solid idea!!  
> This was difficult to write - blame a hatred for the holidays, not to mention Grammarly was experiencing a few bugs yesterday - but I was pleased with it by the end! Hope you all enjoy!! <3

Christmas came faster than anyone could quite comprehend, even more so when Remus was stretching his time between his studies, his parents and his friends.

_ Friends... _ That was still so bizarre for Remus to say, out loud or in his head. For the first time in his life, he had people around him who were more than just acquaintances and fellow students, but people he saw regularly! He hung out with them all outside of classes; He, Sirius, Peter, Lily and James, and always ended up in bouts of painful laughter. More often than not, they'd make their way back to that same coffee house outside of campus, claim the booth in the far corner, and Peter would drag a chair to the end and order the drinks. Remus always sat with Sirius, and Lily with James. 

On occasion, when Peter's mum's health took a turn for the worst, he wouldn't join them, and James would make relentless jokes about 'double dates' and romantic ventures (Sirius always got far too flustered, and while at first Remus did blush and sputter denials, he learnt to laugh it off, sometimes playing along to enjoy Sirius's babbling). There were times when James and Lily were the ones missing, on dates or visiting family, and Peter, Remus and Sirius would be the ones left, causing chaos in the cafe and joking about anything and everything.

The only thing that stayed the same was how Remus never went without Sirius, and Sirius never went without Remus.

Despite having been dragged head first into the friendship group, promptly drowning under the hysterics and humour and affection they presented him with, Remus made sure he and Sirius still had their afternoon meetings. From 3 pm to 5:30 pm, Sirius kept his hand gently on Remus's cheek, sketching away as Remus read whatever classic book had taken his fancy that week, often reading aloud to Sirius, who'd expressed before how he missed reading as a child.

5:30 would always roll around far too soon, and Remus would get Padfoot into his harness (which was getting easier and easier by the day, and he could manage in around 30 seconds now) and Sirius would head out. Remus kept up with how he did before - taking a moment by the door to smile, calm down, and head out.

It was no surprise to anyone when Lily invited Remus to their home for Christmas so he wasn't stuck in his dorms.

"I mean, if you go home to see your parents, I totally understand!" She had insisted, before seeing Remus's face stretch into a delighted smile.

The last thing Remus wanted to do was spend Christmas with his family; he loved his parents dearly, but wasn't in the mood to answer 'So, where's the girlfriend?' twenty times to various distant relatives while he tried not to scream back 'Look at me, Aunt Alma, I'm gay! Gay, gay, gay! I wear cardigans and read Oscar Wilde, for fucks sake! I would be the last person alive to get with a girl!'.

That, tied with his fathers incessant questioning of when he was going to drop that 'pathetic history crap and study a sport or something proper' was all Remus needed to accept Lily's offer.

"No, I'd love to, if that's okay with James, that is?"

He knew he didn't have to ask if Sirius was okay with it - everyone knew he would be - but his relationship with James was.... interesting.

Ninety-nine percent of the time, they got along great! They'd laugh with the rest of the group, and sometimes had conversations just the two of them, where Remus would ask about football, and James would ask about his Classical Studies or latest book, and all seemed perfect. On occasion, however, Remus would catch James giving him strange looks. He never quite glared but narrowed his eyes in confusion or judgement.

Initially, Remus had put it down to his worries; he was just panicking and wondering how such amazing people wanted to be friends with him. But as October turned to November, and November into December, Remus knew he wasn't imagining the odd looks anymore.

Lily seemed to understand why Remus asked - had James expressed his distaste towards Remus to his wife, and Lily was making him play nice? - but assured James would be fine with it.

December 22nd was the last day of term, and Sirius and Remus made sure to spend it tucked away in the small studio as they always had.

"I'm really glad you're coming for Christmas, you know!" Sirius sighed, eyes sparkling as Remus closed the book at the end of his chapter.

"I feel awful though," Remus stammered, "I can't afford presents and I feel terrible that I'm coming to yours and have nothing to give..."

Sirius stroked his thumb back and forth across Remus's face in comfort, "It's okay, you just being there is enough for us! Let's be honest, Lily just wants to cook dinner and hope we don't chuck as much away last year! If you feel that bad, bake something? But we don't mind at all, Remy!" He smiled.

That's what Remus had decided to do, turning up to the Potters apartment early in the morning with a large plastic tup filled to the top with cinnamon cookies. Before he could panic that he was too early, his fist rasped against the door in three quick taps and waited for it to open.

"...here! He's here! Sirius, get the door for me!"

"Why me?! I'm not gonna do it! Look at me!"

"Darling, he isn't going to mind! And you don't even  _ know  _ what you look like..."

"Just do as she says, mate! Or get Pa- wait yeah! Padfoot, go open the door!"

"No, you absolute cock! You don't get to tell my dog to open the door!"

"He's not gonna care what you look like, twat! Just open the fucking-"

The door swung open, and Lily stood before him, arms folded and eyes rolling. She had on a gorgeous white dress with holly patterns on it, flowing as she stepped forward. "Happy Christmas, love." She placed a swift kiss on his cheek and bought him inside. He finally got a look at Sirius and James, who had frozen mid-argument, heads turned to the doorway.

James had on jeans and a blue shirt, hair seemingly tamed for once and slicked back. He gave a small glowering stare at Remus before smiling brightly again.

Sirius looked as though he'd just been dragged out of bed, and quite literally. His normally gorgeous hair was sticking up every which way, and he stood in nothing but boxers and a silk red nightshirt, only done up by a few buttons at the bottom. As heat rushed to his face, he found a distraction in Padfoot, who bounded to Remus, jumping up and barking happily.

"Hey, puppy! Hey Padfoot! I've missed you! Hi!!" He squealed as he played around, patting and stroking the beautiful dog springing up at him - one-handed, as Remus still had the box of cookies under his arm.

"Merry Christmas, Remus." James laughed, pulling the shorter man into a brief hug, slapping his back once in the same 'manly' manner his father always did, "I'll pop these in the kitchen?" He questioned, not waiting for an answer as he slid the cookies from his grip and stalking off behind a door.

Padfoot calmed down, and found his own distraction in his box of toys, choosing a fluffy wolf toy and settling down to chew. Remus turned his attention to Sirius, who still stood a few metres before him in his hilarious state of undress.

"Merry Christmas, Siri!"

"And to you, Rem!" He grinned. Red blush spread across his face as he seemed to realise what exactly he was - or was not - wearing, "Uh, give me a moment to get ready?" He bolted out of the room without another word.

Lily offered to grab him a drink, so Remus took the brief opportunity to look around the apartment. The front door led into a cosy living room, decorated with splashes of colour and pictures of them (and Peter). He noticed one that he was also in, taken some weeks before on bonfire night (they'd smushed Guy Fawkes Night and Sirius's birthday into one evening), and warmed a little with delight as he saw it in the frame on the mantlepiece. The was a door right opposite him that Sirius had run through, presumably to the bedrooms, and a door on the right to what he also assumed was the kitchen. The room wasn't decorated much, aside from a small tree in the far corner and a few fairy lights along the ceiling.

Lily returned with two colourful drinks and handed one to Remus.

"Oh, Um! Everything is kinda in the oven already but it won't be done until like two o'clock. And the only rule we have is to just put things back exactly as they are for the Eyeless Shrimp, just so he can find things when he needs without relying on us or Pads!" She smiled, taking a seat on the sofa, "That's why we don't decorate much. Aside from the obvious that only two out of three people can actually  _ enjoy _ the decor, its easier for Sirius so he doesn't need to navigate around wires and tinsel and all sorts!"

"That makes sense," The glass was bought to his lips and he took a sip, recognising the flavours as a Spritz, and remembered he'd never drunk alcohol this early before, and never at Christmas when he was with his family.  _ Better not down it...  _ "I'll try and keep it all the same then!"

By 11 am, everyone was huddled in the living room in friendly chatter as James announced they should plough on with gift exchange.

Remus had instantly felt anxiety crawl up this throat and claw at his chest, and it took James' constant reassurances that it was okay he bought no gifts for the painful tension spreading over his body to calm.

He sat next to Sirius, who, when he'd come back into the room, was in a far better state of dress, in a grey t-shirt and black skinny jeans. He was dressed less formal than the other three who were already sat on the couch, but was no less than absolutely stunning, and Remus found it painful to tear his eyes away from his friend. Sirius had his thighs pressed to his own, watching (head turned towards) the couple on the other sofa.

They watched and listened as James opened his gifts - Lily had bought him various small football themed gifts (which he was no less than thrilled with!), before surprising him with two tickets to Egypt, where he'd wanted to go since he was a small child, and he'd near enough cried as he clung on to Lily, peppering happy kisses on her cheeks and lips, and smiling against her skin. Anyone could tell he was over the moon. Sirius had only heard the exchange, which consisted of nothing more than 'Lily! You did not! I love you so much!', but judging by the wide, sneaky grin on his face, Remus guessed he'd had a part to play in the present.

James was then given his presents from Sirius, a book on the Archeology in Egypt (obviously planned) and some gift vouchers for various clothing stores, in hope that he'd 'finally get some goddamn style already', before Lily turned to open her gifts. She got a beautiful dress from Sirius ('It better be fucking beautiful, Lil, your husband picked the fucking thing out') and a stunning set of Classical Studies books - including 'Women in Love' by D. H. Lawrence - that she'd not shut up about since early November, and James looked accomplished when he saw the tears in Lilys eyes and smile on her lips.

Sirius opened his gifts - from Lily was a Braille book on various blind artists and their techniques, and from James, a remarkable set of gouache paints and a new collar for Padfoot.

Remus smiled wide as he saw how happy Sirius was, particularly at the book, but worried if this put a swift end to their small reading sessions.

"Okay!" James announced defiantly, "Remus's turn!"

Remus's breath caught, his smile dropped and he proceeded to scratch apprehensively at his wrists. "U-uh no! Nope! You guys didn't need-"

"Of course we didn't need to, but we wanted! So shut it!" Remus could tell there wasn't room for arguments, closed his mouth and pressed his lips tight. Despite his best efforts, he gave a small smile and sarcastic eye roll as Lily placed a soft, wrapped gift into his hand. He looked at her as he unwrapped it, tugging at the tape and paper as two jumpers fell out onto his lap.

Holding them up, he could see they were beautifully thick, warm and well made. One was cinnamon brown and woollen, looking almost hand-knitted, and the other was a slate, v-neck and cotton, and Remus could tell he was going to live in them until the day he died. He hugged them - stupid, really, but he wanted to see how wonderfully soft they were - and folded them, placing them on the arm of the sofa next to him as Lily hoped they were the right size.

"They're perfect, Lils, thank you so much!"

James passed him his gift next, a heavy, large package, and he unravelled it. He smiled so much his cheeks hurt, and looked up at James, now slightly flushed and rubbing his neck in nervousness.

"I hope it's alright, mate."

"It's wonderful!" He chirped, pulling 'The Complete Collective Works Of Oscar Wilde' close to his chest, "I love it! Thanks, James!"

"That's alright, glad you like it."

Sirius gave a halfhearted, awkward cough and pressed a small gift into Remus's hand when he turned towards the noise. Remus gave a smile, forgetting his friend couldn't see it, and began to unwrap the shiny paper wrapped around it. He was left with a small, flat, black jewellery box, slowly opening it in anticipation.

Resting against the velvet in the box was a thin silver chain with a pendant, that Remus swiftly picked up and bought closer to his face to look at. It was a small rectangle, covered in petite raised bumps that Remus recognised as Braille, and made no hesitation to brush his fingertips lightly against it. Even without knowing what it said, he was itching to put it on; it was so gorgeous and elegant.

"I-it says 25 and 9," Sirius began, stuttering with a soft smile, "Its the date we met. When you first came into the studio and I forgot I was blind."

Remus kept silent, stunned. It was so so gorgeous, and more thoughtful than he could understand. He was luckier than he could comprehend to have found such an amazing friend in the dark-haired man, and knew he'd keep him close to him for as long as he could. Every moment since that day seemed to play like a flipbook: every laugh, every smile, every drawing and coffee and joke had never felt so meaningful.

"He's not saying anything," Sirius stage-whispered, "What does his face look like Jamie, does he like it?" He continued with a small laugh.

"I-its..." Remus didn't know what to say, and felt his eyes fill with tears before he could realize. These people, Sirius more so, had become such a huge part of his life in such a short space of time, and Remus knew he couldn't live without them. "It's perfect, Siri, just perfect. I love it so much, thank you..." He whispered.

Sirius rested his head on Remus's shoulders and bought his hand to his forearm accidentally, fingers sliding to his wrist instead, bringing his thumb back and forth.

"That's okay! You mean the world to me, Rem, I couldn't imagine life without you now!"

Remus leant his head onto Sirius's and looked up from the necklace, blinking back his tears. He looked over to Lily, who had her hand on her heart and leant against her husband, face tweaking in-between smug and heartfelt. He then looked towards James, who was once again lowering judgingly, before giving a pleasant smile, eyes still dark.

"Right!" James said defiantly, slapping his knees and hoisting himself upright from the sofa, "Enough soppiness! I want more alcohol!" He sniggered at the eye-roll his wife gave him.

"I'll help you," Remus said before speaking, placing the necklace back into the box for now, to keep it safe. He was going to sort this once and for all. He mimicked his friend's actions, raising from the sofa and following James into the kitchen. He caught part of Lily's words to Sirius as he closed the door behind him.

"That was so beautiful Sirius! You two would make..." Her voice faded as the door was closed and Remus turned to see James busying himself with mixing drinks. Remus tugged the sleeves of his sweater over his hand and fiddled with the hem, panicking. The last thing he wanted to do was cause an argument and lose one - or maybe even all - of his new friends.

"Uh... James?" Remus quavered, not waiting for the younger man to turn around, "Have... have I done something wrong? I didn't mean to upset you, whatever it was that I did."

James spun around slowly, abandoning the drinks-making to rest on the counter. He lent back with his hands on the edge. "I've been a right prat, haven't I?" He sighed with a bitter smile.

"Would you hate me if I said you have been?"

"Would you hate me if I said I was jealous?" He stressed, now looking down to the floor in shame and agitation.

Frozen, Remus dropped his hands in confusion. What did James have to be jealous of him for? No matter how many times he opened his mouth, the words and questions he wanted to ask caught in his throat, and he felt some newfangled form of relief wash over him when James began to clarify with a huff.

"I don't really know how much Sirius has told you about me and him and- well, family, and it's not my place to say the whole story, but... Sirius and I met on the first day of year three when we were 7, and by year four we were practically brothers. We've been there for each other through thick and thin. He never..." James had now taken to playing with the bottom of his shirt as he paused, grasping for the right words, "He never spoke about his family - his parents - all that much. Never knew why. Just didn't. My parent's treated him like a second son! Then we went to secondary, met Peter, and it was great. Then he turned 16..."

James glanced up, tears in his eyes as he looked at Remus.

"Something happened. That's why... that's why he's-"

"That's why he's blind." Remus finished as he saw James suffocate on his words.

"Yeah. That's why he'd blind."

"But I know that, James? I mean I don't know what happened, but I know he's blind and that doesn't bother me, why do you-"

Dragging his hands through his hair, moving it from the slicked-back style to letting some of it drop back in front of his face, he shuddered, "He has been through a lot.  _ A lot _ , a lot," He emphasised, "I can't let him get hurt. Not again."

Remus's heart clenched and he couldn't help but feel resentful. "I am not going to hurt him." That was the last thing he'd do.

"Are you in love with him?" 

"What?"

"I said," He simpered, "Are you in love with him?"

Remus was sick and fucking tired of not knowing what to say.

James spoke instead.

" _ He _ might not know how you look at him, but I can see it. You look at him like he's the last bar of chocolate on the shelf or the most perfectly made mug of milky tea - still fucking gross, you know - and I know that look. You look at him the same way I look at Lily. So look me dead in eyes and tell me you aren't in love with Sirius Black."

In all honesty, Remus hadn't given it much thought. Sure, he had a crush on the man, but pinned it down to infatuation for the first person he'd really ever connected with! He'd told himself it would pass, he'd wake up one day, go to his classes, head to the art studio in the afternoon and breathe with comfort as he saw Sirius just as he was, not Sirius with the hands he wanted to hold and lips he wanted to kiss, but just Sirius.

Then he took a moment longer to think about it. He was unsure if it was a second or ten, but James left him to his thoughts either way. He considered the feeling of lightening under his skin whenever they touched, and the overwhelming feeling of wanting to protect him - not because of his blindness or now mysterious past, he didn't have some sick Fix-It Complex, but just keep him happy and laughing and loved. He imagined living with Sirius, in a small cottage, similar to the one he'd grown up in, cooking as Sirius lent against the kitchen counter, senselessly flirting as Padfoot hopped and bounced between then, and he felt suffocated with the imagery.

Remus huffed out his conclusion, looking at James dead in the eye as a form of ironic torture, "I can't do that. You know I can't."

James's shoulders seemed to relax of a tension neither quite knew he was holding, and he smiled, more genuine than then Remus had seen perhaps ever before.

"Sirius is my best friend. He means the world to me, and the idea of someone else being there for him, someone that isn't me, that hurts, Remus. The last person he cared for as much as you landed him where he is today, and I can't let him get hurt again."

Remus took a step forward to grab onto James's shoulders, shaking him slightly.

"I'm not taking him away from you! You two are brothers and nothing will change that! You'll always be better at pissing him off or getting Padfoot in his harness and that's amazing, James. The last thing I want to do is hurt Sirius, and sometimes I might need to come to  _ you _ to help me with that. He means the world to  _ both _ of us, and that's okay."

"God I've been dumb..." He blurted, shaking his head with a grin.

"Come on, let finish these drinks."

They gave a fleeting hug before carrying on with the drinks James had abandoned, and the air seemed clear of the tautness that had been lingering since the pair had met back in October. Once everything was measured, shaken and divided into glasses, they headed for the door back to the living room. James, with two glasses in his hand, leant over and muttered in Remus's ear.

"So, where are you taking him on the first date?"

Remus supposed things couldn't get more perfect.


	4. Daydreaming

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You lucky bastards getting two chapters in a day!! :D
> 
> ...I'm not sorry... :)
> 
> (Very brief mentions of toxic masculinity - that they laugh over - as well as a non-derogatory, and reclaimed use of the word Queer!)

_ The glass was pulled from his hand and he found himself staring at Sirius, who wasn't quite looking at his eyes, view drifting slightly to the left. He wondered if it was because he was blind or drunk. Maybe both. _

_ "Think they're gonna be snogging when they hit midnight?" He smirked, nodding towards where he heard Lily and James laughing near the corner of the room. _

_ "Probably." Remus shook his head exasperated. "How can you get around here without Padfoot? Where is he, anyway?" It was far too crowded for Sirius to be walking around without some sort of guidance, even if he was in his own apartment. _

_ "Dumb mutt is already fast asleep. But it's okay, everyone knows I can't see shit, and as long as I find my way back into the arms of my darling Remy, I'm all okay." _

_ Sirius's hand reached out slowly, before he set his hand on Remus's chest, sliding upwards until his fingers ghosted over the silver pendant. _

_ "You're wearing it?" _

_ "O-of course..." Remus stammered, shivering with delight as Sirius's hands floated over the chain and onto his neck. His hand was settled onto the side, thumb stroking over his adam's apple, feeling Remus swallow his anxiety. He opened his mouth slightly, ready to protest, ready to tell Sirius to back off, that he was drunk. Remus was drunk, too. Drunker than he'd ever been. And as desperate as he was to keep Sirius's hands on him, he knew the shorter man would regret whatever he did. As the words finally came to the tip of his tongue, he was interrupted with the sound of the crowd in the apartment shouting. _

_ '10!' _

_ Sirius leant a little more forward, tugging Remus down slightly. _

_ '9! 8! 7!' _

_ Remus made no effort to move, even as his mind screamed warnings at him - 'Back up! He's drunk! You're drunk! Don't do something you'll regret!' _

_ '6!' _

_ The crowd continued to count down with the shouting on the TV, even though that was drowned out by the drunken chatter and noise of his heart thumping against his chest. _

_ '5! 4! 3!' _

_ "Am I going to get a kiss at midnight?" Sirius whispered, words teasing over Remus's lips as his eyes fluttered closed. _

_ '2!' _

_ "Perhaps," He replied, "You'll have to wait and see..." _

_ '1!' _

_ All rationality left Remus's head as he moved a few millimetres closer, shocked as he realized their lips still weren't quite touching. _

_ "Happy new year!" The crowd around the apartment cheered and hollered, and Remus thought he could here James, Lily and Peter shouting amongst them.  _

_ As Sirius moved forward once more, however, he found himself unable to care, relishing in the feeling of Sirius's lips on his own. It started fleeting and perfect, far too romantic for two terribly drunk young adults, until Sirius wrapped his other arm around Remus's waist, pulling him closer and deepening the kiss.  _

_ It was better than Remus had imagined, the feeling of Sirius's tongue swiping across his lower lip and hands on his body, and he couldn't care less about the people around him at that moment. He opened his mouth a touch more, hearing Sirius moan against his lips as- _

Remus bolted upright, grabbing onto his bedsheets and panting in a confused panic. He sat for a moment, replaying the kiss in his mind over and over again.

Of course, that wasn't how it had happened at all... Sirius found himself next to Remus as everyone began to count down, and they counted down together, leaning against one another and swaying in drunken joy, before Sirius kissed his cheek, lingering for a small moment as the apartment shouted at midnight. Sirius had whispered a brief 'Happy New Year' into Remus's ear, before stalking off in search of more drinks.

Rubbing his hands over his face and digging his palms into his eyes, he couldn't help but wish that's how it had gone down, and he could savour Sirius's kiss on his lips before the dark-haired man immediately told him to fuck off and stay away from him.

'Why the fuck did you kiss me?!' Remus could imagine him shouting as he walked into the art studio, 'We are friends, Lupin! That's it! I would never, even be into you!'

That's another thing that never happened - there was no kiss, and no need for Sirius to shout at him. Remus walked into the studio at 3 pm on that first day back at University and they afternoon went as normal, Remus reading aloud as Sirius draw something (not Remus, this time, just a collection of warm-up doodles that still looked incredibly impressive).

As his heart rate slowed and head came back to him, he realised what had woken him in the first place; not his somewhat-PG dream, but the sudden sound of buzzing and ringing throughout his small dorm room.

On his bedside table, his phone vibrated, shuffling across the wood and screen on bright. Across it was a picture of Sirius, smiling radiant holding up peace signs, with bold writing underneath saying 'Incoming call'.

_ Bollocks... _

He picked up the phone, pressed the small green button and bought it to his ear. A voice bellowed down the phone before he had the chance to open his lips.

"Finally you pick up! I thought you might have left without me, but that wouldn't make sense! Why aren't you down here?!"

_ Fuck... What the hell was I meant to be doing today..? _

"Uh... I woke up late..." He grumbled, settling on that excuse while he tried to remember why Sirius was actually calling him.

"Well, haul your cute lil butt out of bed and get down here! Padfoot is getting bored!"

_ SHIT!  _ He and Sirius were going on a walk with Padfoot today, and he'd totally forgot! He scrambled out of bed, shouting apologies down the phone before hanging up.

He was a mess as he ran down the stairs from his dorm, tugging one of the sweaters Lily had gotten him over his head and past his shoulders, praying he wouldn't slip and have to explain to Sirius the walk would be postponed and he'd be taking a trip to A&E instead. He didn't, thankfully, and opened up the main door to his housing block to see Sirius, as gorgeous as ever, stood next to a happy Padfoot, tailing wagging uncontrollably.

"No broken neck from running down the stairs?" Sirius laughed as a way of a greeting, pulling Remus into a tight hug. Remus wondered if the red that was undoubtedly on his own face was from the cold air hitting his skin, the run down the six half-flights of stairs to the front door or having Sirius this close to him while his mind drifted back to this mornings interrupted dream.

"N-nope, not today! Sorry, by the way, I forgot to set an alarm and slept in..." He panted as Sirius pulled away.

"All good!" He smiled, slipping his arm into Remus's, but kept a hold onto Padfoot's lead, "I'll let you lead the way then!"

With arms tangled and sides nudging against one another's, they walked in rhythm to the park on the outskirts of the University Campus (the only one that allowed other dogs - Padfoot didn't see many other animals when on campus, and Sirius wanted to take him to have a run and play).

Compared to the first time Remus had walked with Sirius's arm against his own when they wandered in a slightly apprehensive silence, they talked and talked, laughing at nothing in particular. One thing hadn't changed, as old habits die hard, and he consistently had to remind himself to keep his eyes on the path, not at Sirius. Using the cold weather as a ruse, he walked closer to Sirius than needed, and planned to say 'Well, we are walking in the middle of January, Siri, I'm freezing!' if the older boy asked why, but Sirius never did, so Remus never replied. 

The park was beautiful, if not simple, with just an asphalt path around the outskirts of a luscious green field with a few trees standing tall around them. It would have been considered quiet if it wasn't for the weather or time of year, with families and a few other uni students walking slowly. Halfway around, Sirius, while keeping him on the lead, took the 'I'm a guide dog, do not disturb me while I'm working' badges from Padfoots harness, letting him sniff and bark with the other dogs he passed on the route, and relied solely on Remus for navigation.

They'd been walking for around an hour when Remus felt the pain begin to shoot up his left leg, muscles twitching and aching with each step. He couldn't try to hide it now, now when he was this close to Sirius and cursed himself - he wasn't sure if he was cursing himself for walking so close to him, or for being in pain in the first place. He didn't read into it, either way...

"Let's sit down for a moment, let Padfoot off his lead for a little," Sirius smiled, obviously lying, and just wanting Remus to rest for a bit. Remus led them to a nearby bench on the grass in silence and they sat down, legs pressed against one another. Sirius unlatched the harness from the lead, and Padfoot bounded off to explore and sniff around the nearby trees. They remained in silence for a moment - a silence that was more awkward than when they'd first met.

"You can ask me, you know," Remus said, partially hoping Sirius would, just for the sake of clearing the air.

This wasn't a topic broached by either of them, and they seemed to have an unspoken vow between them to never mention the blindness or the limp and scar. But it was mid-January now, they'd known each other from the 25th of September, and Remus needed to get it out of the way sooner or later. He chose sooner.

When Sirius stayed silent, Remus continued. 

"Fell off a cliff." Was all he provided as a way of an answer.

"You fucking what?!" Sirius jolted, turning to face Remus in shock. Remus, however, laughed, as if it was a topic as easy as the weather or James's latest game or how many marshmallows Peter could fit in his mouth at one time.

"Yup. I used to live in the highlands in Northern Wales. Dad and I went hiking, I slipped. Pretty bad if I'm honest. Landed strange and smacked my head on a rock below, and was left with a messed up leg and scar on my face."

Sirius seemed to scramble to find the words he wanted to say, instead just muttered a 'Fuck...' under his breath.

"It's okay!" Remus continued, not wanting to worry Sirius, "It just hurts sometimes, that's all! I mean, I don't like the scar..." He bought his hand up and let his fingers glide across the sensitive pink skin, "People look at me strangely and I'm not exactly attractive thanks to it, but it is what it is."

Sirius shifted his whole body to face Remus, and bought his hands to cup his friends face.

"You're perfect to me, with or without the scar, Remus Lupin." He smiled.

"You can't  _ see _ me, Sirius!"

"And you'd be the most beautiful human I'd ever laid eyes on if I could. Considering that will never happen, you'll just have to be the most beautiful human I've ever touched or heard, won't you?"

Remus's heart squeezed and he lent into Sirius's hands. He mimicked his friend, now holding onto Sirius's cheeks, looking at his eyes hoping he could at least understand what he was doing.

"Compared to you, I'm nothing, Sirius. You're so gorgeous, you're so perfect, I wish you knew..."

"That's not true..."

"Of course it is! I wouldn't lie to you, Siri..!"

"I know..." Sirius mumbled as he dropped his hands. Remus did the same and Sirius shifted forwards again. The moment seemed lost until Sirius lent against Remus. Heat rose to his face, but Remus simply bought his arm around his friend in a strange cuddle. "I just... No one has cared about me as much as you for a long time, Remus."

"James?" Remus tried to advise casually.

"He doesn't count," He assured in a hollow laugh, "I've known him since I was 7 and he's not going anywhere any time soon."

"Nor am I."

"I'm scared, Remus. You mean so much to me. I can't lose someone as important as you, not again..."

Remus sniffed, blinking back tears. He wrapped his arm tighter around Sirius. "You aren't going to lose me. Not now, not ever. I promise you, Sirius..." 

He decided against asking who had left, who his reason for saying 'not again' was, after a brief battle between his curiosity and his nagging sense of worry. Sirius would tell him in his own time, he was sure.

"Come on..." Remus finally said after a moment, running his fingers through Sirius's hair to calm him.  _ God, I've wanted to do this for so long... _ "You're shivering, you must be freezing. I'll walk you back home."

"I'm not cold..." Sirius murmured with a huff, standing nevertheless. He called over Padfoot, who ran over after saying a growling goodbye to his new friend (a beautiful small Shitzu walking with a young couple) and Remus clicked the lead back into the harness and attached the Guide Dog labels back on. Sirius slipped his arm into Remus's and they headed back off through the park.

They stayed in a happy silence for a little bit, shivering slightly in the cold wind. They left the park and headed down the main road back towards campus (Remus insisted it was no trouble for him to walk Sirius back, and they could cut through campus to get back to his flat faster). After a moment, Sirius spoke up.

"What are your parents like? You don't talk about them often..."

"Oh!" Remus grinned, clearly surprised at the question, "I mean there isn't a particular as to why, I just... don't!"

_ That was a massive fucking lie, Remus... _ He told himself.  _ Well done, you just told him you'd never lie to him and now you have! _ In reality, Remus had avoided the topic of family as much as he avoided girls after James had let on about a few... family issues. The last thing Remus wanted was to make Sirius feel obliged to tell him about anything, but if he was the one to broach the subject, a little talking couldn't hurt, right?

"My mum is wonderful. Her name is Hope, and she runs a small business online, making wool and knitted products and such! All she does is knit and bake and do gardening, but she's the sweetest soul alive. I love her to bits!" He beamed, missing his mum for a split second. He hadn't been to see his parents since the Halloween holidays, electing to stay on campus all through Christmas and New Years. He knew he should visit them next holidays, but couldn't imagine not spending a week without Lily, James, Peter and Sirius.

"What about your dad?" Sirius queried, pulling him from his melancholy thoughts.

"My dad... My dad and I get along alright, I guess? I mean, it's a bit tense, not just because of the accident. He always wished I wasn't such a-"  _ Raging fucking Queer _ , Remus wanted to say, but decided now wasn't the best time to declare his homosexuality to his crush (he wondered for a fleeting second if James had told Sirius about their conversation at Christmas, but knew deep down he wasn't like that). "-an unmasculine person..." He settled for, praying Sirius wouldn't notice the brief pause in his words.

"What, Daddy Lupin doesn't approve of the knitted cardigans and silver necklaces, then?" Sirius cackled, head thrown back in delight at his own sarcasm. Remus couldn't help but laugh along; Sirius was right, even before he came out to his father (that didn't exactly go well), he hated how Remus took after his mother, enjoying her more 'feminine' interests that weren't hiking or hunting.

"N-Nope!" He snickered, still catching his breath from the laughing fit, "Not a fan of the Classical Studies and Dorian Grey obsession either!" He yelped, sending the pair back into hysterics, laughing so hard their sides ached with joy.

They kept walking, conversations swapping between Remus's home town - 'It's gorgeous, Sirius! You need to come and see it one day!', followed by 'There isn't really much to see though, mate' - and Sirius's latest art project. Sirius express trouble using the new paints James had gotten him at Christmas, as he kept forgetting where he put them, got his hand covered in paint as he hunted for them, and had to endure Lily and James's laughter as they scrubbed pink paint from his face and hair.

They weren't sure how long they talked for until they ended up outside of Sirius's flat block, but had to draw the conversation to a close as they stood outside of the entranceway.

"Thanks for today! It was good to get the puppy out of the house for a bit!" Sirius grinned, rubbing Padfoot's head as he did.

"That's okay, sorry for the late wakeup! I had fun though!"

Sirius pulled Remus into a tight hug and rested his head on his shoulder for a moment. "Thank you, really..."

"No need to thank me, Sirius."

They pulled away, and Sirius smiled! "Come on then Pads! Love you, Remy! See you tomorrow!" He chirped before kissing his friends cheek and dipping behind the door.

Remus walked off, hands in his pockets, heading home with his heart fluttering and pounding against his ribcage.  _ Pull yourself together... _

No matter how happy he was at how the day went, or about Sirius's words before he left, he couldn't control the nagging voice in the back of his head or pulling on his chest telling him he should have asked more about Sirius's own family...

Only when he assured himself that he'd find out soon enough did he calm down, and the smile on his face stretched further as he walked through the cold back home.


	5. Cerulean gowns and Pansies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MANNNNN i hate the pacing in this! I ended up writing this four or so times and this is the version I went with!
> 
> (A warning! Nothing directly triggering, but very very fleeting mentions of not eating, therapy, relapses, and a scene in a hospital! I kept it brief as I struggle to write about things like that and people might struggle to read it too! I promise this is as angsty as it gets!)

"And to who do I owe the pleasure?" A voice croaked on the other end of the line.

"James, you know it's me!" Remus huffed antagonizingly.

"I know, I know. What's up, mate?"

Remus bit his lip, worried. Was it considered an invasion of privacy to ask a mutual friend for answers and advice? 

"It's Sirius. He's been dead weird lately. Twitchy, quiet, nervous. He's always withdrawn, he doesn't message as often, he won't draw, he-"

"Remus!" James dove in to stop the rambling.

"Have I done something wrong, James?"

James gave a sigh so loud Remus could hear it over the phone, and his shoulders tensed with dread.

"You haven't done anything, Remus. I'd tell you if you had. You know that, right?"

"It's just, I care about Siri, and-"

James interrupted again, "Sorry, Remus, but I need to ask! When you first called him that, did he... did he freak out? Act weird?"

Remus thought back to when he first said it. They couldn't have known each other longer than a week at the time.

"Not that I can recall? He called me Rem first, so I just said Siri back as a joke, I guess? He never said anything or acted differently. Why? Is this to do with what Peter said when I first met you lot?"

"You're gonna be late to class," James cautioned, voice considerably darker and stiffer than before. "Just try and ask him about it today, if you can. The nickname, his family, why he's been weird, just... something."

Remus barely had enough time to utter the words 'If you're sure' before the phone disconnected as James hung up.

No matter how hard he tried, Remus couldn't push the frankly unnerving conversation to the back of his mind. He told himself he had to as he got ready. He had a seminar today; a seminar that was not only important for his potential dissertation topic, but genuinely really interesting to him. But as he tried to think questions to pose to his class and lecturer, and potential topics to cover in his thesis, his mind kept drifting back to the dark-haired artist he'd fallen so desperately in love with. 

The past week was beginning to take its toll on Remus. Last Monday, Sirius had been the same bubbly character he'd met back in September. By Tuesday, it was like a switch had been flipped. His skin seemed paler than normal, his hair was more unkempt, he wouldn't eat and his laugh seemed hollow and forced. He seemed to flinch when Remus called him Siri, and wouldn't touch him, seemingly avoiding any contact at all. His mood got worse and worse as the week went on. Remus surprised him on Sunday, showing up to his apartment with the same cookies he'd made at Christmas in hope of coaxing him into eating. Instead, Sirius came out of his room for a moment, gave a depressed, half-hearted smile to Remus, took one cookie and went back behind his door. Remus had settled to have tea and biscuits with James and Lily, but left after only 10 minutes due to the horribly tense atmosphere. Lily text him that night to say the cookie was still on Sirius's side table. Now it was Tuesday, a whole week since his withdrawn mood began, and Remus was no less than concerned.

The rest of his morning was a dull blur, from when he grabbed his keys and a granola bar from the side counter, to getting his coffee from the Campus Cafe that Peter hated so much, until he was stood outside of the lecture hall at just before 11.

He knew as soon as he was out of his seminar Sirius had a two-hour session of studio time, and the two wouldn't have the chance to speak until 3 pm when they were in the art room together. As he walked into the hall and set himself in his usual seat (middle left, away from the loud kids but close enough to people to ask for notes if he slipped behind), he took his phone from his pocket. 

He took a moment to look at the picture on his lock screen before unlocking it. It was a selfie of him and Sirius from just a few weeks ago, where Sirius had his head on his friend's shoulder, not quite 'looking' at the camera. He smiled to himself, wishing Sirius could go back to being that happy and carefree as he unlocked his phone.

He left a text for Sirius (' _ Morning Siri! Hope you have a good day! See you at 3? Love you x _ ') as he always did, before switching his phone off and settling down for the seminar.

It had been a really interesting seminar - it was about Ancient History and Gender and Sexuality from Livia to Theodora, of course he'd found it interesting - even if his mind kept floating to Sirius and James and their wholly terrifying attitudes lately. They obviously had their reasons, but it hurt Remus a little to be left out of the loop as he was. 

He exited the lecture hall and opted to spend the next two hours re-reading Wuthering Heights for the sixth time. He picked a spot in a patch of grass at the centre of campus, only a 5 minute walk away from the Creative Sector so he could get to the studio at three. 

He sunk into the book, feeling the same nostalgic love wash over him as he remembered when he first read it. 

He'd been in his back garden, watching his mother pull at the weeds as his dad gave a tut, complaining about his 'pathetic girly books' once again. At 11 years old, he hadn't quite understood what his father had been rambling on about.

He understood it a little more at 13, when he read it again. As his father declared it was a 'book for fags', he'd delved into a wonderful display of knowledge, blurting out about the romanticism influence, gothic fiction style and wonderfully controversial literacy topics, before his father turned and walked away, mumbling about 'pathetic book' and 'pansies'.

Still, despite knowing his father hated him for reading it, he sunk further and further into the wonders and iniquity in the text, and managed to forget about Sirius for a little.

It came to 5 to 3, and Remus tucked his book back into his satchel and headed towards the art studios. He walked up the two flights of stairs, panting slightly as he got to the top, and walked down the corridor until he was stood outside of the same art studio at exactly 3 o'clock.

When he looked inside, however, he didn't see the black locks and striking grey eyes he was expecting and had grown accustomed to. Sirius wasn't there.

_ He's just late... _ Remus reasoned with himself. It was fine, he just took Wuthering Heights back out of his bag and opened it back up, picking up where he left off. He realised half an hour had passed when he looked back up from the page, and began to panic as he realized Sirius still hadn't turned up. At the same moment, he remembered he hadn't turned his phone back on, and Sirius had probably texted him.  _ He probably got caught up or something, or James is with him and they got distracted. _

His phone finally started up again and he almost smashed it against the wall when he saw there was no text from Sirius, not even a reply from the morning's message.

It got to 4:15 pm and Remus decided this was ridiculous! He walked a few paces down the corridor and knocked on the door. After hearing a muffled 'come in', he peered his head around the door.

"Sorry to disturb you, Professor." He smiled at the small teacher sat behind the desk.

"Not at all! I do believe you're not one of my students though! How can I help?" His voice was slightly squeaky, rubbing Remus the wrong way considering the anxiety flooding over him, but sounded polite and happy all the same. Remus could only offer him the same courtesy.

"I believe you teach Sirius Black, he had supervised studio time with you this afternoon, at one?"

"That's correct! Great student, Mr Black is! He never showed today though!" The teacher smiled as though the absence wasn't an issue.

"He wasn't?" The small man shook his head, "Okay, thank you, Sir!"

Remus pulled his head back through and let the door close behind him, and walked back to the studio.

_ Where the fuck was he?! _

It wasn't like Sirius to skip class, even if he tried to keep up with his bad-boy attitude in his leather jackets and punk boots.

When it ticked over to 4:45, Remus was positively petrified, practically vibrating as he paced perturbed back and forth up the corridor, and he'd had enough. He pulled his phone out and dialled a number.

It rang once.

Then twice.

"Hello?"

"James! Is Sirius with you?" Remus near enough shouted down the phone.

"No, Lily and I are on a date, remember? He's always with you?"

"Well, he isn't! I've been here since three! His teacher said he never turned up to class, he hasn't answered my texts! I'm worried, James!!" He cried.

"Okay, calm down! Lily?" He mumbled, not to Remus now, "Call the home phone, love, see if the Shrimp is there? Rem, Lily's gonna call the flat to see if he's there, just wait at the studio to see if he turns up..." Even James sounded slightly panicked now. That was  _ not _ helping Remus's own anxiety.

"Right, I will. Should I- Padfoot?"

Remus saw the black lab turn the corner and bolt towards him, tail low between his legs as he jumped up and nudged at Remus's hip.

"Did you just say Padfoot?"

"Yes! He's here!" Padfoot took to chewing and pulling at the bottom of Remus's sweater angrily.

James shouted, "And Sirius isn't?!"

"No! I'd fucking tell you if he was! Pads keeps pulling on my jumper, like-"

"Shit!" James shouted, and Remus could here Lily shout something unintelligible in the background, "Graveyard! He's at the graveyard! Remus, you need to follow Padfoot! Sirius is in danger!"

Dropping his phone and satchel to the floor, Remus took off running down the corridor, Padfoot quick at his heels. He threw open the door to the stair block, and took two stairs at a time as he raced down to the university entrance. Only for a moment did he pause, before seeing Padfoot running through the middle of the quad, cutting through campus, and followed closely as fast as possible.

Remus would have been lost if not for Padfoot, and he cursed himself for not having spent more time looking around the city. He only pondered it for a moment, before the thought of Sirius in any amount of danger swallowed him whole and drowned him in pure fear. He didn't stop running as he imagined Sirius hurt, alone, upset - whatever danger he may have been in. He wasn't sure if it was 5 or 15 minutes he spent running, avoiding the cars on the road and frustrated people he bashed and pushed about. 

He had trouble keeping up with Padfoot, slowing a few times as his chest began to burn, breaths coming shallow and head suffocating in anxiety. 

He'd never ran so fast in his life. 

If anything happened to Sirius, he didn't know what he'd do. 

He finally found himself in front of a churchyard; it seemed almost abandoned going by the overgrown grass and moss-covered stone, and as he raced down the cobble path weaving between the graves, he couldn't see a sign of life anywhere.

Padfoot seemed to have wandered off, nowhere to be seen, and panic set in Remus's soul more than before.

Then, a bark!

Spinning his head in the direction of the noise, he sprinted off again, until he saw Pads' head peering over a headstone. Next to him lay a pale body, seemingly out cold faced down on the grass.

Remus ran next to the figure, dropping painfully to his knees and turning them over, to be met with Sirius's face, deathly pale and slack. As he bought a hand to his neck to check for a pulse, Remus noticed his skin felt like ice beneath his burning fingertips.

"Sirius!" Remus cried, gripping his shoulders and shaking him. He never woke, eye's rolling back and head tilted loose. "Siri!" He cried again, and pulled Sirius's chest to his own, crying on his shoulder. 

A second of rationality fleeted in Remus's mind, and he dug into Sirius's pockets to pull out his phone, unlocking the emergency phone feature and dialling as fast as he good, shaking with adrenalin and distress.

"999, what service do you require?"

"Ambulance!"

There was a brief silence, before a small sound of interference.

"Hi there, what's you're emergency?"

"You need to help me!" Remus shouted into Sirius's phone, "It's my boyfriend, I found him unconscious! He has a pulse but he's so cold! I don't know what happened! I need someone fast!!"

_ Praise the NHS _ , Remus wondered, biting his nails as he sat in the waiting room. He'd always hated hospitals, avoiding them like the plague since the accident. But he wouldn't abandon Sirius. Not now, not ever. The sound of the automatic doors sounded like thunder in Remus's mind, and he turned to see Lily walking in. She looked at Remus, sat on the stained hospital chairs and chewing at his fingers, and walked over. She slipped her fingers through his hair, just once, in a poor but natural attempt to comfort him, before diving into her husband's arms. James, who had been pacing the length of the waiting room since he saw Sirius taken to A&E on the stretcher finally stilled, wrapping his arms tight around Lily. 

"Parked the car, don't have to pay until we leave. Heard anything? Lily asked tensely.

"They didn't say anything to Rem when he was in the ambulance, and they haven't let us know anymore..." He muttered against Lily's hair, and his grip on her tightened. 

Remus hated the sight more than he hated the hospital. He and James seemed to have a similarity in their uncontrollable jealously, and Remus wanted nothing more than to be curled up in Sirius's arms the same as Lily was curled into James's. Not grabbing his hand in an Ambulance, where his hand didn't squeeze his back. Not sitting with his leg bounding and fingertips bleeding as he wondered what was wrong. Not watching Lily and James healthy and happy (or as happy as they could be when their best friend was lying half-dead on a hospital bed).

He knew rationally it wasn't their fault, or his, or anyone's, but couldn't help but sit there and wonder where it all went wrong.

They didn't even know what was wrong with Sirius yet! It might have been nothing at all, just fainted or something.

Hopefully, that was it...

He found his thoughts sinking deeper and deeper, clouding his mind with death and danger and Sirius. Lily and James's voices were in the background, muffled, as though he was underwater and they were shouting from the surface. He was zoning out, but couldn't find the energy to bring his head back into focus (or perhaps it was easier to not even try). 

Only when he felt a wet nose nudge his cheek did he shake his head and blink.

"...mus? Remus? Hey! You good?" Lily was crouched in front of him, waving her hands frantically in front of his face. Padfoot had his paws on his lap, nudging and licking at his face frantically. "The doctor wants to speak to you, Rem." She smiled, looking far calmer than when she'd first walked into the emergency department.

"Mr Lupin, are you okay?" 

"I- Uh... Y-yeah, I'm just worried. Is he okay?" Remus looked up to see kind eyes and a warm smile, but still felt anxiety swarm over him as his mind only repeated the same words over and over again -  _ That's not Sirius! _

Those kind eyes meant nothing when they weren't a cool grey and framed by dark lashes, and the warm smile wasn't right when they weren't shouting some sarcastic insult or flirty comment. 

Still, the doctor's smile widened into a small grin.

"Mr Black is doing very well."

It felt like breaking the surface of the ocean, filling his lung with hope and happiness instead of air - but maybe knowing Sirius was safe was a good enough substitute for oxygen.

"He collapsed from lack of energy and low food intake and lost consciousness." She continued, "It's a good thing this one was there and got help!" She chirped, patting a more than pleased Padfoot on the head, his tail wagging and hitting Remus's calf. "Has this ever happened to him before? Not eating or sleeping?"

"Not for a few years," James butted in, taking a seat next to Remus and running his fingers through Padfoot's fur. "He stopped his CBT back in November because he thought he was doing okay. I don't think its a relapse, though..." He trailed off, knawing at his nails before Lily pulled his fingers from his mouth.

Remus barely had time to process what was said - this had happened before? - before the doctor continued.

"No, I don't think it is either, considering the circumstances. We're giving him fluids through IV, and they're making food for him as we speak. He should be waking up around now if you want to go and see him?"

Even as he walked down the corridor, Remus still thought that was a stupid question to ask. Of course he wanted to go and see Sirius! Lily and James walked either side of him as they followed the Doctor (none of them seemingly able to recall her name) until they came to a door.

The doctor knocked twice and peered her head in. 

"...Mr Black?" She spoke softly. The barely-conscious figure on the bed gave a small, harsh hum, and she pushed the door further open to let the three of them in.

Remus already felt trapped in the room; the incessant beeping from monitors, the stench of antibacterial spray ticking the back of his throat and nothing but a bed in the middle. Sirius was on top of the sheets, wearing the most unflattering cerulean hospital gown, and Remus knew that if he was able, Sirius would have made a snarky comment about the attire and begged for his Leather Jacket back!

Pulling a seat next to the bed, Remus sat down, and slowly bought his hand to move a stray hair from in front of Sirius's face. His eyelids fluttered, but stayed closed.

"Hey, Siri..." He smiled sadly, resting his hand on Sirius's cheek. 

A groan came from Sirius's throat as he shuffled on the bed and opened his mouth to speak.

"...R-Regulus..?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter will probably be SUPER dialogue-heavy, I apologise in advance!
> 
> Oh, I also made up a word in that chapter! :)
> 
> CBT: Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, a type of therapy that focuses on changing the patterns of thoughts and actions to improve ones mental health (I.e. Someone will think they are at fault for something, and that is the reason they are depressed. To get over the depression, they would have to stop thinking that they are at fault.)


	6. Umbrellas For Tears

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was hard to write in many ways, and then as I came to the end of it, Discord crashed and I had a small panic about that haha!  
> Enjoy this interaction between me and my friend as a result of this chapter:
> 
> Me: How do you tell your therapist you've come to terms with your childhood trauma because of a Marauders AU fanfiction you're reading? Asking for a friend!  
> Rowan: Creative outlet exploring scenarios you can relate with allowing reflection and understanding of past events and the ongoing effect, resulting in acceptance!  
> Me: wELL YOU ARENT WRONG
> 
> (WARNING: Explores the themes of Child abuse, both physical and emotional; Racism, Islamophobia (vERY MINOR you might not even notice), Homophobia, Murder/Manslaughter, alcoholism and maybe more that I'll add if I notice it!)
> 
> Oh, and two awkward gay boys!

"Sirius?" Remus peered his head around the door to see Sirius in his bed, very much awake but curled into himself, face pressed against the pillow.

Sirius had been discharged the next day, to the delight of the others. James and Lily bought him home, insisting Remus stayed with them, at least for a night or so, as he'd been so shaken up and didn't want to leave him alone. Remus was more than grateful, quickly heading back to his dorms just to collect a few pieces of work, his laptop and overnight items.

When they got in late Wednesday night, Lily busied herself with making dinner (it was less dinner, but rather a lot of cheese toasties to feed four hungry mouths) while James settled Sirius into his room to have a chat.

It was not just a chat.

There was a lot of shouting.

There was a lot of accusations.

And then there was a lot of crying.

Lily went in with plates of food at one point, and didn't come out until twenty minutes later with red eyes and mascara running down her scarlet cheeks. Remus gave her a hug as she cried a little more before they headed to the sofa to eat their own dinner.

Thursday morning rolled around, and Remus woke up to the smell of bacon and cramps in his back - sleeping on the sofa was never good for anyone... He ate breakfast with the Potters, popped his head into Sirius's room to see the beautiful man still asleep, before he headed with Lily to their classes. According to James, Peter had visited in the morning, just to say hi before heading back to his parent's place - his mum had taken a turn for the worst again, and he decided it was best to skip classes to stay with her. When Remus and Lily got back from university, Remus went to see Sirius; they hadn't really spoken since he'd left the hospital. The conversation was nothing if not awkward, and Remus left nervous and heartbroken.

Friday was the last day of lessons, and Remus only had a lecture in the morning. Lily (along with Peter, if he'd show) had a Hospitality Lecture from 5pm, and James had training at 6. Remus assured them he'd feed Sirius and prep food for when they came back home, and they were more than appreciative for that.

One tiny detail Remus had forgotten was that he couldn't cook for shit.

His mother tried to teach him as a child, of course, but he ended up with more burns and stains on his clothes than it had been worth. He decided to just order in pizza when everyone was home, rather than accidentally burning the Potters apartment down.

Remus didn't step into the room, just spoke from the doorway. "I'm going to order pizza when Lily and James get back. And Peter, if he's eating with us, but he hasn't answered my text about if he's going back home after classes."

Sirius didn't turn towards the voice; he only gave a slight nod that was more of just a twitch and blinked. As Remus began to step back and close the door once again, however, he shuffled, sitting upright in his bed. His sunken eyes stayed focused on his hands that sat pressed together on top of the duvet, not looking up to Remus who'd frozen as Sirius had moved.

"Rem... Can we talk?" He asked in a voice lower than a whisper, croaking and hoarse.

"Of course, Sirius." Remus hadn't dared called him Siri after first seeing Sirius in hospital, and he wasn't quite sure if that was down to protecting his friend's sanity or his own. He walked into the room, and took a seat on the edge of the bed. "Can I say something first?" Sirius nodded.

"Whatever it is you tell me, it won't matter. You're still the perfect Sirius Black who acts badass in his Doc Martins and fumbles for his phone when he can't feel it and is far too sarcastic for his own good. Whatever you say, whatever happened in your past, it doesn't bother me. I accepted your blindness and I'll accept whatever you throw my way. I love you and nothing you tell me can change that. Got it?"

Sirius lifted his hand and placed it on Remus's cheek, swiping across the raised skin of his scar as he did so often, and Remus hadn't felt that calm and comforted in weeks.

"He was my brother. Regulus was my brother..." He began, and Remus didn't say a thing, just let him speak at his own pace.

"My family was shit. My father was a part of the big family business that was going to get passed down to me when I was old enough. I never knew what the company actually was, but we lived comfortably for my whole childhood, that's for sure. Father went on business trips all the time and came back with hickey's and smelling of perfume that was  _ not _ my mothers, and the She-Devil turned to alcohol when she noticed. M-my brother, Reg... He was a year younger than me. I had to protect him, you know? I didn't mean for it to go wrong, Rem, I promise I didn't!"

"No one is blaming you, Siri..." Remus bought a hand to Sirius's wrist, pulling his fingertips from his face and instead laced them with his, hands falling to his lap.

"James was the best thing that happened to me, you know? Loved him to bits. When Reg met him when he started year 3, James loved him, too. It was perfect! I mean, drunk mother, cheating father, that was all pretty fucking crap, but we had a little group of me, Jamie and Reg, and I loved it. 

I didn't- I couldn't mention James at home. Mum thought I had no friends other than my cousins. Yaknow, bought up to be a 'perfect Black member' and never did any wrong. It was a household of keep your back straight, head up, and remember that you're better than anyone else.

Regulus slipped one day when I was 9. He mentioned about James when we were eating dinner. Mother flipped the fuck out. Started screaming about how 'Blacks didn't associate themselves with them fucking Paki's' and that he was beneath us because he wasn't white. She... She hit me. That was the turning point, I guess. It wasn't anything bad though, just smacked me."

"Sirius, that's still awful!" Remus cried before he could stop himself. Sirius gave a bitter, hollow laugh.

"Oh trust me, that's nothing. Either way, it happened. Smacked me and told me to stop talking to James. Fuck if I'd listen to her. I spent the next four years making sure I was the one beaten instead of Regulus. Hair pulled, black eyes, sprained wrist, the whole nine yards. I was a  _ very _ clumsy kid, you see!" He finished with another harsh laugh that sent chills up Remus's spine.

"I tried to keep Reg innocent. Mum kept pushing her opinions onto us, about how blacks should still be slaves, the gays are going to hell, James Potter was going to blow us up. It was like a fucking cult, Rem! Every fucking aunt and uncle and cousin thought the same thing! But me and Reg, we were different. We wouldn't stand for it and I got hit. Corrupting Reg and all that.

Then Regulus joined secondary, and it was like a switch had been flipped. He got sucked in, believed all the cultish bullshit and pushed me and James away." Remus saw a single tear roll down Sirius's cheek, and knew the story was so far from over. He kept quiet.

"Mum thought I was intentionally trying to ruin the family reputation. Me and James got into trouble so much! We failed classes, pulled pranks, got into fights. It was amazing," His eyes shone at the happy memories. "Every grade below an A, every detention, every mention of James was just another fist my way. Regulus shunned me, stood by my mother as she hit and kicked me. He told me to abandon James and that he was so much better now that he had. Told me she was right, that 'the slaves would be in chains once again and the gays would burn'. Then when I was 16, I-. Remus, do you believe in cosmic karma?" He paused for a moment as Remus shook his head, before saying no when he remembered Sirius couldn't see him "I didn't, either, not really. But whatever you called it, Cosmic Karma, Poetic Justice, just plain old fucking irony, that's what happened... I- I'm gay, Remus." 

Sirius's head fell and he began to cry, bringing the hand that wasn't laced with Remus's to wipe away the tears on his cheeks. Remus placed his fingertips under Sirius's chin to lift his head and looked into Sirius's eyes, even if the other man didn't know he was. 

"It's okay. I kind of gathered anyway, but it's okay!"  _ I am too  _ were the words dancing on his tongue that he couldn't quite say, not when Sirius was in such a state.

"She found out. My cousin Bellatrix - vile woman, worst of the lot - saw me with another boy. We were only holding hands. She told my Uncle Cygnus, who obviously told my dearest Mother. 

I walked through the door after school, and was met with my mother holding an umbrella by the door. She hit me, hard, and told me to go and get out of her house. She wouldn't have some fag living under her roof. So I ran upstairs and started to pack.

Regulus ran into my room when I was almost done, screaming and crying and grabbing onto me! Mother had finally gotten to him. He had a black eye and what I guessed was a broken wrist. Apparently... apparently Regulus should have been keeping an eye on me, and it was his fault I was Queer. He should have kept me away from 'those that wanted to corrupt the good Black Family Name' according to her. He kept begging and begging for me to forgive him! To let him come with me! Of course, I said yes! I told him I loved him and he was my brother and I couldn't lose him. We ran into his room and started to get as much of his stuff as possible. We heard her coming up the stairs."

Sirius began to shake, tightening his grip on Remus's hand as his eyes went dark.

"Sometimes I wish I want deaf instead of blind," He continued, "Because I can still hear what she said to this day. 

'You're a bigger disappointment than I thought, Sirius Orion Black. Maybe you take your Fathers despondency as well as his name. And now you've turned Regulus into a fuck up, too. But I need one of you to carry our sacred name, not that either of you deserves to. I'd rather it be your absolutely pathetic let-down of a brother than some filthy faggot.'

I grabbed Reg and ran for the landing and we got to the top of the stairs. All I saw was that she still had that fucking umbrella and swung it at Regulus. I spent years making sure he didn't get hurt and he did, and I wouldn't let it happen again. I stepped in front of him and... everything went black." Sirius raised his head and shrugged his shoulders, "Sounds like a fucking cliche..." He gave a bitter laugh, that slowly died and faded into sobs. He leant forward, letting his head fall to Remus's shoulder and continued to cry as Remus wrapped his arms around his friend.

The sobs didn't cease, and Remus just waited, running fingers through Sirius's hair and holding him as close as possible. Even Remus was shaking, but with pure anger and hatred about how much the brothers had gone to. But that wasn't everything.

When the crying calmed down, Sirius sat up and sniffed, wiping his nose on the back of his hand and blinking back the last of the heavy tears.

"The neighbours heard the shouting and called the cops. Thank god they did. I could have died. They called it Traumatic Optic Neuropathy. When you get injured and it affects your eyesight? Apparently the cops found me lying unconscious at the bottom of the stairs. Called the paramedics, took me to hospital, sorted me out. I'd never be able to see again, but at least I was alive, right?" He spat sarcastically.

Remus shivered as he opened his mouth, "Siri... What happened to Regulus?" Remus didn't know why he asked. It was kind of obvious.

"That's what Reggie used to call me, you know? Siri. Only he ever said it. Euphemia, James' mum, said it once after I moved in with them. Never said it again, of course, as it landed with me having an anxiety attack and throwing up in the kitchen.

It was destiny that I met you, I think, Rem. I don't know why. The universe has a way of fucking with me, and suddenly this gorgeous, anxious kid turned up at my studio and didn't care that I was loud or flirty or blind, and then he called me Siri and it sounded more right than when Regulus or Euphemia had said it." Sirius took a shaky breath so deep you'd think it was his last, and maybe it was, in a way.

"Regulus died. They said it was Blunt Force Trauma, and presumed it was from the umbrella too. He was lying next to me when they found us. The police were never able to say if he's been hit down like I was, or if he rushed to me and she got to him at the bottom. I was the lucky one. There's that Cosmic Karma again; the one she wanted dead was the one that made it out alive."

"What happened to her?" Remus asked apprehensively, words barely higher than a whisper.

"She had some sort of psychotic breakdown, I'm not sure. She got arrested either way. Life sentence, but we all know how that goes here..."

The air stilled as they fell silent, and Remus finally too the time to process everything Sirius had told him. He didn't ask any more questions, knowing Sirius had been through enough during the last few days. 

Eventually, Remus stood up, and Sirius (who felt the bed shift and move) began to tear as he worried Remus would leave. Instead, his friend sat next to him on the bed, legs stretched out, and put his arm around Sirius. He pulled him close so his head was resting o his chest and began to play with his hair. 

They stayed comfortable for what felt like an hour, hands tangled and fingers in locks, and Sirus gave a yawn.

"M'tired..."

"I know, Siri. We can order pizza in a bit, they should all be home soon. Can I still call you that?" Remus asked, hoping he still could but only wanting Sirius to be comfortable.

"Of course. Like I said... destiny."

Remus took in a sharp breath and pulled back his shoulders.

"It is. I only came to the university to get away from my dad. I told you we had an okay relationship, but I lied to you. When I came out, my dad kicked off. Never kicked me out but was less than impressed. So I decided on a whim to go to uni and chose the only uni that accepted late applications and was more than a two-hour drive from my parents. It ended up being 5 hours away, so that's a bonus." He smiled, chin resting on top of Sirius's head.

Sirius blinked. And again. "Came out?" Remus gave a low hum. "Came out?" He repeated, seemingly in shock. Remus laughed, genuine, not shy or bitter or anxious.

"Yeah, I'm also gay. James figured it out before Christmas and I presume he told Lily, but you're the first person I've actually come out to, besides my parents."

"I'm the first person?"

"Mhm."

"Oh..." Sirius said grinning, "So how did James figure it out?"

_ Fuck! Fuckfuckfuckfuck!  _ He couldn't just come out and say it now!  _ Awh, Siri, I know you've just told me about your traumatic childhood and the death of your brother and how you went blind, but I think now is a fucking perfect time to tell you how bloody in love I am with you, and how your best friend figured it out before even I did! _

Remus didn't think that would go down very well...

"H-he... I don't know, Siri, I-I guess he has a good Gaydar..?" He stammered, awkwardly laughing and feeling the heat rise to his face.

"Hmm... Wouldn't surprise me!" Sirius smiled, settling further against Remus's chest and letting his eyes flutter closed.

_ Close fucking call... _

Remus heard the front door open and three pairs of footsteps walk in.

"Oi! The fuck are you guys? Pete's here!" James called from the front room.

Sirius groaned, opening his eyes and sitting up as he rubbed his head. Remus followed, sniggering.

"Come on, lets order food. Do you want me to get Pads or are you alright, Siri?"

Sirius turned to him and closed his eyes again, smiling.

"I'll be fine if you're next to me, Rem!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I mean I warned ya'll it was Dialogue Heavy haha!! That's all the angst gone now I think! Just cute dates and getting together!


	7. Juniper Oceans

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just cute fluff and Remus being dumb :)
> 
> we have something in the UK called NSC, where you go on a months-long Summer 'youth group' of sorts. A year ago today, I last went to the beach with my NCS friends on our first week away, and I was feeling nostalgic, which is where this comes from :)
> 
> I tHINK this is gonna be around 12 chapters overall but It might change in the future! <3

"So!" Sirius called defiantly with a loud clap. Remus, who was curled up on the Potters sofa with Padfoot resting his head on his lap, felt the puppy lying on him flinch. "Where's my favourite man taking me today?"

Remus heard the clatter of Sirius pulling the mugs from one cupboard and the tea from the next. The was a pause as Sirius read the braille label and the noise resumed.

"What the hell are you on about, Siri?"

"It's V-day!" He replied as though it was the most obvious thing in the world. When Remus stayed quiet, running his fingers through Padfoots fur, Sirius continued. "Peter has that date with Mary that'll end in a disaster, and James is taking Lily to that new Italian restaurant after they've been shopping. So where are you taking me?"

_ We aren't dating _ , Remus almost said. He settled upon huffing out, "So I need to plan a date that isn't a date but is more like a Batchelor's Day Out for my blind best friend in around an hour?" Sirius gave an amused, but agreeing hum. "Fucking fine..." Remus sighed, nudging Padfoot from his lap and standing. He reached above his head and stood on his toes as he stretched, yawning. 

_ Was this really a good idea? Taking the man you're in love with on a not-date, when he was in the hospital only six days ago? _

He shuffled through the open door into the kitchen where Sirius was shouting from. Even in his ratty fleece bottoms and Remus's t-shirt he'd effectively stolen, not to mention his unbelievably messy bedhead, he still somehow looked gorgeous and took Remus's breath away.

"Okay then, shift it! Go and get ready, I have an idea. Wear something warm, alright? I'll get Pads in his harness and make drinks."

Sirius spun and smiled, settling down the kettle and slipping out of the kitchen, not before planting a kiss on Remus's cheek as he left - it was more like his jaw, having rushed and not bothered to feel around for where Remus actually was.

"Lily better be okay with me taking her car..." He mumbled aloud as an afterthought.

Sirius, eager to get going (because he hadn't left the house in a week, not because of him, Remus told himself), was dressed and raring to go in less than twenty minutes! He came out wearing his typical ripped black jeans, a white crop top with a small Catus print on and his leather jacket - not exactly the warm outfit Remus was suggesting, but if Sirius was happy, so was he. In the meantime, Remus got Padfoot in his harness and grabbed the Guide Dog badges from the side, before texting Lily

_ Hey Lils, mind if I take your car today if you have James'? Sirius is insisting I take him out today. _

** go for it! date? ;) **

_ Not in the slightest, think he's just bored. _

Half an hour after the conversation in the kitchen, Sirius was sat in the passenger side of Lily's Toyota Aygo as Remus got Padfoot into the back seats. He checked his phone one last time to see another text from Lily.

** think again bub. have fun x **

He slipped his phone into his pocket and put the key into the ignition.

The car started up, and Remus pulled out from the apartment parking lot and began down the main road. 

He quickly realised how strange of a music taste Sirius had as he connected his phone to the car, fluttering between his many playlists as he decided on the songs he wanted. The music switched between early 2000's pop, to newer punk music, and then to 70's rock. Eventually, he settled on an indie playlist and they settled into pleasant conversation as Stella Donnelly and Spacey Jane played in the background.

The conversation sometimes came to an abrupt halt as Sirius screamed a line or so of the best songs, before he pretended the mini-concert hadn't happened and returned to talking with Remus as normal.

"You know, this isn't all that great for me if I don't know where I'm going. It's like blindfolding someone to surprise them, but I don't really get the great reveal of seeing it when we get there." Sirius smirked playfully. They'd been on the road for perhaps 4o minutes at most, and Sirius hadn't stopped complaining for the last 10. Remus was suddenly very glad Sirius couldn't see him roll his eyes for the umpteenth time!

"Chill out..." He huffed, "I just have to look for a parking spot and then we're good to go, alright?" He scanned the span of the car park, finally catching an empty space and pulling into it. Unbuckling his seatbelt, he told Sirius to wait while he paid for the parking and stalked off to the Pay and Display machine.

Only then did he panic, hoping Sirius would like the 'date' idea. He pushed the coins into the slot and waited for the ticket to print. 

If all went well, Remus might finally have the courage to ask Sirius out for real.  _ Like that'll ever happen... _

He walked back to the car, ticket and spare change in hand and opened the door for Padfoot to jump out. He shook his fur and stretched before having his lead clipped on and accepting a treat from Remus, who took to opening the side door for Sirius to clamber out.

"Are we at the seaside?"

"So much for the surprise!" Remus snorted lightly and Sirius took the lead and slid his arm into his friends. Sirius beamed and they began to walk.

"The air smells salty and I can hear the seagulls! Where are we off to first then, my not-date?"

Sirius had resolved to calling Remus his 'Not-Date' since they'd left the flat, and as much as Remus tried not to let it bother him, his heart twisted painfully every time he said it, wanting to beg Sirius to just remove the 'Not' and keep him as a 'Date'.

"Well, its almost midday already and I'm starving. Fish and chips?" Remus pushed down the disappointment as they walked out of the car park and onto the pavement. Padfoot stopped for a moment, and Sirius stepped up onto the kerb before they continued.

"Sounds perfect, Rem!"

Arm in arm, they walked along the path behind the berm, and Remus described all the shops they were walking past, outlining the abundance of striking colours, and all the beautiful trinkets in the windows. They were grateful it was cold, ignoring the chills as they tugged their jackets tighter, savouring the nearly empty streets. Remus didn't have to worry about navigating Sirius around other tourists, instead smiling to himself over the excitement on the artists face as they talked about Sirius's latest art project. They reached a small cafe on the beachfront and settled inside ready to order.

A small, uninterested waitress came and took their orders, which was just two small cod and chips and two chocolate milkshakes - Sirius might have been 20 now, but he wasn't about to start acting like a sophisticated adult any time soon. She left momentarily, returning with their drinks and walking off again without another word.

"You don't have any siblings, do you?" Sirius asked after taking a large gulp of his beverage.

"Nope, took 'em years to have me. I think they wanted another kid, but I was young when I had the accident and I think it scared them?" He almost questioned, sipping at his own drink.

"Wait, but you lived in the middle of fucking nowhere?" Remus hummed with a smile. "So what did you do all day?"

"Well... I read, obviously. Dad hated it but I did anyway! Mum used to take me once a month to the bookstore in the village to spend my pocket money on new books. If I wasn't reading, I'd help mum in the garden. She tried to teach me to bake, once, but the only thing I was any good at making was them cinnamon biscuits you like! We tried cupcakes but they failed horribly..." Remus laughed, remembering how the tops burnt while the inside stayed raw, and they ended up like inedible Lava Cakes!

Sirius grinned, "Well, you'll be staying with me in April, so we can bake then! I'm sure we'll be fine!" 

Remus asked what was happening in April. Had he forgotten plans he'd made?

"Lils and Jamie are off to Egypt, remember? So you're staying in the flat with me!" Suddenly, his face turned bright red and he looked down sheepishly. "If you want to, that is?"

_ No, I can't! I want to but I'm hopelessly in love with you and living with you for two weeks will be amongst the biggest mistakes I've ever made because I'll be spending the whole time trying to keep my hands off of you and not snog you senseless. So thanks for the offer, total-love-of-my-life, but I have to reject.  _

"Yeah, I'd love to, that'll be amazing!" His mouth didn't listen to his mind, and he cursed to himself for saying yes.

Sirius's face beamed, happier than he'd been in a long time, and his smile didn't falter as the waitress came and put their plates on the table, then left again. His hand stretched out, hovering over the table and he moved his arm around.

"Vinegar?"

"11 o'clock, Siri."

They continued to talk about the two weeks of Easter where Remus would be staying with Sirius, making an imaginary list of things they had to do while living together! Baking obviously took place at the top of the list, soon followed by an all-night movie marathon - 'make it a colourful film with good actors and I'll love it' Sirius had insisted. Third place was taken up by plans for a picnic if the weather was nice, and Remus even suggested learning how to read braille if they had the time!

After plans were made, they talked more about Remus's home village and his parents - more so his mother - as they continued to eat. They finished the food, laughing as they drank their milkshakes over conversations of James at school.

"So he jumped onto the table!" Sirius laughed, and Remus felt himself warm brightly at the sound, "And he just started singing!! Apparently, The Ramones wasn't good enough, though, and Lily threw her bowl of custard all over him!!"

Remus wheezed, clutching his side as he pictured James dripping with custard, serenading a young Lily Evans. He wiped his face from the tears, still laughing as Sirius hollered at the end of the table. Finally, they calmed down, and Remus noticed the unimpressed looks from the waitress and supposed regulars, and decided to pay the bill and leave as fast as they could.

The sun had already begun to set by the time they left the cafe, and Remus knew they'd have to leave soon if he wanted to avoid driving in the total dark. Sirius held Remus's hand - this was new, Remus considered - and tightened his grip on Padfoots lead, and they walked slowly down the beachfront.

"Can we sit on the beach for a bit? Until we need to go?" Sirius asked, and Remus began to lead him down the stone steps and onto the sand. 

They settled on a spot away from rubbish and seaweed, and Sirius didn't hesitate to unclip the lead from Padfoots harness and take off his own shoes and sock, wiggling his toes into the cold sand.

The view was gorgeous, and Remus couldn't help but wish Sirius could see it too.

"I've never seen the beach..." Sirius smiled sadly.

"Never?"

"Nope. Parent's never took us and I never bothered when I couldn't see."

_ Congrats, Remus... _

"Don't panic!" Sirius began, flailing his hands, and Remus assumed he'd read his mind, "Honestly, I couldn't imagine being here with anyone better! I just wish I could see it!" He gave another solemn look.

"Well..." Remus wasn't quite sure why he started opening his mouth, but carried on anyway, "Obviously you kinda know what it looks like, but... it's dark, now, so its all quite grey. The sea looks more green than blue, almost a juniper colour, and it's really calm. But you can hear that, right?"

Sirius gave a laugh and a nod, "Keep going though, I could listen to you talk for hours..." and he laid back in the sand, hair fanned out around him.

"The sand, or the sand far away, looks really dull, but around here where I can see it, it's really pretty. It's a flaxen yellow, and really fine. There aren't many shells around, and I won't mention the trash so you can imagine its perfect."

"You're here, of course it's perfect..." Sirius murmured sleepily. Remus closed his eyes and laid down next to Sirius. He laughed.

"Not just me. It's perfect because of the scared kid who lives in sweaters, the snarky blind artist and his black guide dog sat in the middle of it, together..."

Sirius moved his hand and laced his fingers with Remus's again.

"Happy valentines day, not-date." Remus giggled, heart fluttering and no longer weighed down with the regret of the phrase.

Sirius yawned and turned to his side, still holding onto his friend's hand.

"Next year, it'll be a date-date though, right..?"

Remus froze. His breath caught in this throat and his grip on Sirius's hand faltered slightly as he processed what he'd heard, and to make sure he heard correctly. After a moment, he smiled.

"Of course, Siri, I want nothing more than that..." He opened his eyes and turned his head, to see Sirius now had his eyes closed, and a small smile remained on his lips. Remus could tell his friends breathing was light and calm, and he knew Sirus was already asleep.

Waking Sirius up around half an hour later proved unsuccessful, and Remus was  _ so _ happy Sirius was a short, slender man and easy to lift - as well as being grateful that it was quiet, and no one saw him carrying a small punk adult bridal style to the parking lot, followed by a happy black pup covered in neon iridescent guide dog badges!

Sirius snored lightly throughout the whole journey back, and Remus kept any music off to let him sleep.

Sitting in silence was never great for Remus, however, and his mind began to sink under the weight of a thousand questions the day had proposed. The one of the forefronts of his mind was less a question, and more a jumble of words - words like Sirius, me, him, date, next year, Valentines, and date  _ again _ but capitalised, underlined twice and followed by thirty exclamation marks. He wondered if Sirius had meant not to ask him out until next year, or if he'd hoped they'd already be together by then. As the idea of Sirius not meaning any of it and was just talking in a drained delirium took over his mind, he almost considered pulling into a service station just to calm down, feeling the strange beginnings of a panic attack arise. He told himself he too was also tired, and it would work itself out in the end.  _ Sirius probably meant nothing by it anyway, better to just keep going as things are than mess it up by asking him on a date... _

They finally re-entered the city and Remus drove around the outskirts of the Uni campus towards Sirius's flat. He pulled up into the parking lot, took the key from the ignition and took off his seatbelt.

"Siri..?" Remus whispered, shaking his shoulder slightly, "Sirius, come on."

"Hmm?"

"We're home, love. You fell asleep on the beach."

Sirius stretched and made his way out of the car eventually, and he, Remus and Padfoot headed inside, taking the elevator up to their floor. Sirius held tightly onto Remus's hand, swaying sleepily as they approached the apartment door, opening it.

James and Lily were sat on the couch, tangled together - fully dressed, Remus was grateful for.

"Good time, you two?" James smirked.

"Mmmm... I'm tired now though..." Sirius yawned, slipping his hand from Remus's and unclasping the harness from around Padfoot. "I had a lovely day, Rem, thank you." He smiled, turning to face Remus in the doorway.

"My pleasure, Siri, I'm glad you had fun. Now get to bed!" He laughed, Sirius looking as though he could just collapse on the floor - the thought scared him for a moment, but the smile on Sirius's lips and his tired but excited eyes calmed him. 

"Yes yes, sleep!" He declared, and leant forward to kiss Remus on the cheek, "See you soon, Remy!" He grinned, and walked through the living room, patting Lily on the head once and heading to his room.

James sat up and looked towards Remus, "Wanna crash here, mate? It's already dark and there are no classes tomorrow?"

"I'm okay, James, thanks. Could do with the walk back to the dorms..." He smiled, bidding his goodbyes and left the apartment, and then the building.

A smile danced on his lips the whole walk through Campus, and as soon as he got into his room, his eyes felt heavy and he knew he'd fall asleep as soon as his head hit his pillow. He got undressed, still grinning to himself, and checked his phone again before settling into bed, seeing another text from Lily.

** so how was the date ;) **

_ Not a date, Lily.  _

_ But we had a good time. I took him to the beach. _

** he just came n got a drink from the kitchen and he won't stop smiling! he's not smiled like this in a long time other than when he first met u **

** or talks about u in general **

_ You're overexaggerating. _

** when are u going to ask him out on a date then? hes head over heels for u!!!! **

_ I'm not, Lily. You're wrong. He doesn't like me like that. He's my best friend and I can't risk losing him because he doesn't feel the same. _

He put his phone faced down and sighed, feeling his eyes close in tiredness. Just as he was about to fall asleep, his phone buzzed, and he begrudgingly checked his messages. He had a new text, from James this time.

** You know, for such a smart kid, you're pretty fucking dumb, Rem. x **


	8. Brownies, Alarms and Too Few Shirts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I lovedlovedloved writing this! I posted snippets in the SL Discord server, and some people (Oli, I'm looking at you!!) got very worked up hahaha!!  
> I hope you all love reading as much as I did writing! <3
> 
> I haven't started on the next chapter but I've started on the rest, and I have a very solid plan, so hopefully smooth sailing from here on out!! :D
> 
> (Warning, mentions of scars from past abuse)

Dropping the bag to the ground and slamming the apartment door shut, Remus took in a deep, sharp breath, exhaling with a sigh and dropping his shoulders.

_ Fucking broken elevator... _

"Siri?" He called into the empty living room as Padfoot ran in from the kitchen. Remus crouched, instantly petting and playing with the dog as Sirius also emerged from the kitchen. He was in just his jeans with no shirt, and Remus had to scream in his head to remind himself not to eye up his friend - no, Sirius couldn't see him, but Remus wasn't about to take advantage of that, no matter how much he wanted to.

"Ah Rem, is that you? Lily and James haven't long left for the airport!" 

"Y-yeah, sorry, I'm a bit early..." Remus stammered, tearing his eyes away from Sirius's body and standing up again. Sirius walked over, placing one hand on the side of his face and one tangling in his curly hair.

"No, it's fine!" He beamed, rubbing his thumb over Remus's cheek as he spoke, "I was just making tea! Would it be alright if you finished making it and I got, uh, appropriately dressed?"

_ Oh god no, you can stay like that all you want _ was not the answer Remus was going to give, even if he desperately wanted to say it.

"Yeah, that's fine. Milk, two sugars?"

"Mhm, you're a doll!" Sirius ran his fingers through Remus's hair once more, before kissing his cheek and heading through the door towards the bedrooms.

Settling into living at the Potter's had been easy, and they swiftly fell into a routine. Sirius made breakfast because somehow the blind man could cook better than Remus, and they often ordered takeaway for dinner, drinking until stupid hours before Sirius headed to bed and Remus stayed on the sofa.

Third day of the Easter holidays, and Remus woke with a shout, feeling a weight over his whole body. His eyes shot open to see Sirius, who'd practically flopped face-first on top of him, burying his face into the crook of Remus's neck.

"Remmmm..." He moaned against his skin and Remus froze, "I want browniessss!" Sirius whined.

Remus shifted underneath Sirius and shot him a frustrated look. "And you had to throw yourself on top of me to tell me that?" He huffed. Sirius raised his head and looked towards Remus.

"Maybe I did!" He smirked with a wink. Jumping off, he gave a loud laugh as Remus told him to shift. "But really! Bake brownies with me today?" and he pouted at his friend who was still firmly planted on the sofa. 

Remus could never say no to Sirius, not when he was pouting, and he found himself in the kitchen at 10 am in his pyjamas, digging around the cupboard for cocoa powder.

"Considering you're fucking blind, nothing in here is bloody organized!"

"Blame Lily!" Sirius cackled back, "She practically lives in here!"

Remus finally found it, and turned to Sirius, who ran his fingers over the recipe book, "It says to add forty grams of the cocoa powder!"

"All that for 40 fucking grams..."

He tipped the powder into the bowl, keeping an eye on the scales and stopped.  _ 43g. Oh well. _

"Now mix!" Sirius declared with fervour, pulling a wooden spoon out of no-where and reached his hand out for the bowl. Remus took Sirius's wrist and guided him until he had a grip on the bowl, and he began to mix the ingredients together.

"I'll line the tin then," Remus said, cutting a piece of greaseproof paper and stuffing it into the loose-bottomed tin he found in the back of the cupboard. Once Sirius had finished mixing - and asking every 5 seconds 'how it looked' - they poured it into the tin and shoved it in the oven with no grace. Sirius shouted at his phone to set a timer, and they busied themselves with cleaning the kitchen in the meantime. 

Remus began to wash up as Sirius put the ingredients back in the cupboards, and they settled into a comfortable silence. 

Turning around and grabbing for a towel, Remus dried his hands and looked over at Sirius, who'd leant against the counter and looked in Remus's general direction.

"You good?"

"Yeah," Remus giggled, "But you have batter on your face!" Sirius's smile dropped and he frowned, pushing off of the counter and stopping in front of Remus.

"Well get it off then, Rem! At least it isn't acrylic!"

Remus recalled Sirius's struggles with paint and gave a low laugh, hoping his friend wouldn't hear him. "Yeah, yeah. Tilt your head up."

He swiped his thumb over a bit of batter on Sirius's cheek and thought that was the last of it until he saw more on his jawline. He placed two fingers under Sirius's chin, lifting his head a little further up, and once again used his thumb to rub off the chocolate mixture.

He kept his hand on Sirius's face - which should have seemed normal to them by now - until Remus ran his thumb along Sirius's lower lip. He could hear Sirius's breath catch as he did and panicked, almost pulling away before he realised Sirius didn't move. 

It felt like Sirius was looking at him - right at his eyes. Remus returned, staring into shining stormy eyes as he leant forwards. His view flicked down to Sirius's lips where his thumb still laid.

Two sides of him battled in his mind, but whatever was shouting at him to back off and leave Sirius alone, telling him he was about to ruin their friendship, lost, and Remus moved forward again. He moved his thumb to his friend's chin as felt Sirius's breath dancing over his own lips. Remus wondered if Sirius could hear his heart pounding against his ribcage or feel the slight tremor in the fingertips on his face. Sirius's tongue darted out to dampen his lips, and Remus felt all logic leave him. With all rationality out of the window, he tilted his head down until their lips were barely millimetres apart.

Loud ringing echoed around the kitchen as Sirius's alarm went off, and in a panic, Remus pushed Sirius back with a squeak.

"The brownies!!" He screeched, voice trembling as he spun around to find the oven gloves. He pulled open the oven and backed up as the hot air hit his face when he pulled the tin onto the counter. He told himself that was why his face was so hot, and not because of how  _ close _ he was to kissing his _ best fucking friend! _

Tentatively, he glanced over to Sirius, who promptly rolled his eyes and shook his head, mumbling under his breath. They stood in silence on opposite ends of the kitchen, Remus not looking at Sirius for the sake of his own sanity. After a moment, Sirius sighed.

"Watch a movie and eat brownies?" He suggested, an awkward smile appearing on his lips.

"S-sure... I'll cut these up, you go and pick a film?"

Sirius left the kitchen without another word.

Remus let out a shaky breath he didn't know he was holding and inhaled again, grateful he couldn't smell the redolence of leather or Sirius's apple-scented shampoo for just a moment. Cursing to himself, he cut up the brownies and put them on a plate. 

_ Why the fuck did you just do that? _

Not only had he nearly kissed Sirius, his best friend, he hadn't even asked him first! Didn't even see if he wanted it!

_ Well, he didn't exactly move away... _ an unhelpful, enthusiastic voice sung in the back of his mind, and Remus had to shake is head to get it to shut up and leave him be. 

He threw the cake tin into the sink far more angrily than he wanted, and it landed with a piercing clatter that no doubt made Sirius flinch in the other room. His head dropped to the kitchen counter with a thud, and he groaned in distress - well aware that Sirius probably heard that, too.

_ Can't hide in here all day... _

With one last deep breath, wiping the tears he didn't realise were forming on his waterline on the back of his hand, he grabbed the plate and walked out into the living room.

Sirius was sat on the sofa, legs pulled to his chest as the opening for Toy Story played on the TV - bright, colourful with good voice actors; very Sirius, Remus declared in his mind. Remus walked over, placing the plate of brownies on the coffee table and settling on the other end of the sofa as far away from Sirius as he could manage. He could have sat on the other settee, of course, but he wasn't that rude or pathetic.

"Brownies on the coffee table at 10 o'clock," He said, settling back into the cushions.

Sirius hummed a thanks and leant forwards, waving his hand in front of him slightly before he found the plate, picking up a brownie. He began to lean back, but not in his previous spot. Shuffling, he bought his legs to his side and rested his head on Remus's chest. He took a bite of the brownie, moaned happily as he chewed, and sunk further into his friend's side as he closed his eyes.

Remus froze slightly, stiffening as Sirius got settled, before lifting his hand and running his fingers through Sirius's soft hair, as if 5 minutes before, they hadn't just almost kissed and gotten cockblocked (kissblocked?) by an alarm. It felt normal.

One movie became two, and two movies became four! Halfway through Finding Nemo, the second film, the brownies had been consumed and Remus found a tub of salted caramel Häagen-Dazs in the back of the freezer, that he knew was Lily's off-limit Shark Week ice cream, but he'd remember to replace it by the time they came home.

Partway through Ghost, Sirius's stomach rumbled and they ordered food, the pizza delivery guy showing up just as Remus put Titanic into the DVD player.

The awkwardness from the Kitchen Incident - as Remus had dubbed it in his head - seemed to have dissipated by the time it came to the iconic Titanic scene, as Sirius dragged Remus up, making him hold his waist as he screamed 'I'm flying, Rem! I'm flying!'. They collapsed onto the sofa in fits of giggles, cuddling again, and they only moved when they both needed tissues as Jack and Rose clung to each other.

Eventually, the credits began to roll and Remus gave a last sniff and wipe of his eyes.

"We've done nothing all day! Why am I so tired!" Sirius yawned into Remus's neck, wrapping his arms around his torso and nuzzling into his shoulder. He yawned again, lips grazing lightly across the sensitive skin near his nape.

"I-I don't know, Siri... Come on, don't fall asleep on me! Get to your own bed!"

"But you're comfy!" Sirius whined with a frown, but reluctantly moving off of Remus anyway, coming to stand at the end of the sofa. "Why do you sleep on the couch? Lily said you can stay in their room?"

"I know, but it feels weird, and I'm okay here!" Remus smiled, laying back a little on the sofa as if to prove his point. Sirius, instead of dropping it, felt around to grab Remus's wrists and pulled him up.

"Nope!" He announced with a huff, "You'll do your back in! You'll stay with me if you don't wanna sleep in James' bed! Don't blame you, though! At it like rabbits they are!" He cackled. He pulled Remus through the flat, and into his own bedroom, ignoring Remus's shouts of 'No! Sirius! I'm fine, my back is  _ perfectly okay _ , thanks!'

Sirius dragged him into his room, and pulled Remus into the middle, closing the door behind him.

"Sir-."

"Remus! It's fine! You can't sleep on the couch for the next week and a half, and I really don't mind sharing a bed!" He huffed with a grin, fiddling with the light on the bedside table and turning on the lamp.

_ Say no, say no, say no... _

"I-I mean, if you really don't mind, then I guess I could..?" Remus stammered. Apprehension covered his skin until he saw Sirius spin around, soft lips stretching into a radiant beam, eyes closed, and he couldn't help the blithe warmness that spread over his body at the sight.

"Good!" He declared!

In one swift, somehow graceful movement, he pulled off his nightshirt, tossing it to the floor, and jumped onto the right side of the bed. He shuffled, pulling up the duvet and settling underneath it, all while Remus stood in the middle of the room staring like a twat.

_ So he'd be shirtless. Brilliant. Just fucking brilliant... _

Sirius smiled in his direction again, and pulled back the other side of the duvet, eagerly patting the mattress as a way of an invite, and Remus began to stalk over. It  _ did _ look comfy, after all.

_ Then again, anything was comfier than that fucking couch. _

He sat down slowly and swung his legs up onto the bed. His back muscles relaxed as his head hit the pillow and he began to look forward to a comfy nights sleep, even with Sirius there. A Sirius who, before Remus could pull the duvet over him, shuffled about and rested his head on Remus's chest with a contented hum. Remus knew from that second that it would be a long night, and decided to just deal with it as he pulled the duvet up to cover himself and Sirius.

Sirius rested his hand on Remus's tummy, drawing small patterns with his fingertips, ticking his friend. It seemed like instinct when Remus bought his hand to run his fingers through Sirius's hair as he'd become so accustomed to, before letting the pads of his fingers trail down his nape and follow along his spine. He took note of the little bumps of his vertebrae under his skin, and the small scars on his back that made Remus's heart sink with bitterness and distress. His hand stopped on the small of Sirius's back, where he began to draw similar, mindless patterns on his skin, very lightly, and Sirius breathed a calm sigh.

Remus dared to look down, his breath catching. Just when he thought Sirius couldn't get more perfect, he saw him like this: messy hair sprawled over Remus's chest, hand resting on his t-shirt by his navel. His face was gorgeously highlighted by the soft light from the side lamp, a warm white shining on his cheekbones and the bridge of his nose. His eyelids fluttered slightly, eyelashes long and dark as he tried to fall asleep. 

Remus saw the scars on his back, small little slits of pink skin, and he wondered for a moment if that was why he was defensive about his own scar on his face. He couldn't stop the bubble of anger building in his stomach as he wondered how someone could hurt such a beautiful, perfect boy.

"Rem..?" Sirius asked nervously in a voice quieter than a whisper. Remus realised that in his thoughts, his hand had stilled, hovering over the skin on Sirius's back. He bought his finger to one of the larger scars, around 3 or so inches stretching horizontally over his lower spine, and traced over the sensitive skin in the same way Sirius had done when they first met. "I know they're ugly, even if I can't see them anymore..." He mumbled.

Remus's heart dropped.

"No, they aren't, Sirius. Nothing about you is ugly, and it never could be, okay?"

Sirius giggled lightly, "Even if half of my face got burnt? Or I lost an arm?"

"Sirius, you are nothing short of perfect. I love you with every fiber of my being and nothing, I mean nothing, could ever change that, you hear? You will never stop being perfect to me, Sirius Black."

Sirius sniffed and nodded slightly, his hair tickling Remus's neck as his head moved on his chest.

They fell back into silence and after a minute or so, Sirius's hand stopped on Remus's stomach and his breathing seemed to even. Remus kept his fingers tracing along his spine, ghosting over his scars and mapping out every small bump and divet of his skin in his mind. 

"Remus?" Sirius asked again, a little louder than before but still a soft murmur, startling Remus slightly, but he kept his hand moving along his back. "Why haven't you asked me out on a date yet?"

Remus's hand did stop moving, now, and he looked away from Sirius's button nose, where he'd been keeping his focus, and instead looked up to the ceiling.

Why  _ hadn't _ he asked him out yet?

Remus had a list of reasons, normally, of why he hadn't quote-on-quote made his move, but now he needed to say them out loud, he couldn't recall any of the points on his metaphorical list, or the logic and reasoning behind any of them.

Instead, his mind had a loud siren screeching in the frontal lobe, and every blink was a flash of a red warning light, as though his brain was screaming 'ALERT! ALERT! BACK THE FUCK UP! DANGER! DANGER!' at him.

He wasn't sure how long he stayed silent, with the only messages in his head told him to run away, not providing any reasons, pulling out the list once again, or even letting him awkwardly laughing it off and telling Sirius to go to sleep. It must have been a fairly long silence, as Sirius was the one to break it again.

"It's just... I- mean, oh god I'm just going to end up rambling but I think I'm just going to come out and say it to you anyway! I like you a lot, Rem. I have since the moment you walked into the Studio at Uni, and I keep saying it's fate and destiny but I really think it is! You're so lovely and beautiful and adorable and I couldn't imagine you'd ever like me back in the same way but then it seemed like you were actually really going to kiss me today! Then I took a moment to think about it! You watch me all the time! Like,  _ all _ the fucking time! I might be blind but I can  _ feel _ it, I can  _ feel when you watch me _ , whether I'm drawing or talking to James or-"

"I was!" Remus interrupted rather loudly, and looked down to see Sirius had tilted his head up, staring at him. Pink was spread across his cheeks, dark enough to be seen in the dim light of the bedroom. "Going to kiss you, I mean! I was going to kiss you earlier..." He trailed off, looking away as Sirius's eyes widened.

"And why fucking didn't you!?" He whisper-shouted.

"Because!" Remus began in the same tone before turning bashful, "I didn't think you'd want me to! And I wasn't going to kiss you without asking first..."

Remus looked down again to see Sirius, still flustered but smirking, "So my Remy asks before kissing, does he? Romantic!" He giggled, but not in a mocking sense. "You're so adorable..."

Sirius turned his head back down and settled snugly on Remus again, eyes closed and smile playing on his pink lips.

Remus didn't say anything.

Sirius liked him back.

He took in a deep breath, looking down at Sirius once more before closing his eyes.

_ Wait... _

_ Sirius likes me back!? _

He must have given an accidental peep, or jerked slightly, as Sirius gave a low laugh. "So, you'll take me on a date?"

Remus's eyes shot open, but Sirius hadn't moved.

"I-I... I mean, I-"

"I'll take that as a yes!" He smirked. He tilted his head at an odd angle, and placed an innocent kiss on the front of Remus's neck, before turning around again. "Goodnight, Rem..." He sighed, and began to snore lightly almost right away.

Remus moved his hand to Sirius's hair, threading his fingers through his inky locks and sighing to himself.

He was  _ so  _ in love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi Oli, Elli! Wasn't so bad, was it? ;)


	9. Celestial Counselling

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is a little shorter than what I try to write, but I'm still happy with how it came out!  
> I didn't enjoy writing this too much, just because I am so excited for the next chapter (so excited that I began to work on it whenever I found myself such with this one!)
> 
> Hope you all enjoy <3

"So, how have previous dates gone for you? Can't have been amazing if I get to snatch you up!"

That question answered  _ exactly _ why Remus should have been terrified! He should have been shaking, teeth chattering and words tumbling out of his mouth uncontrollably. He should have been damn terrified, melting into a puddle of sweat and anxiety!

Instead, he walked hand in hand with Sirius, keeping an eye on the path in front and holding onto the wicker basket in this other arm. Padfoot walked rhythmically next to Sirius, bouncing on the pads of his paws and wagging his tail.

"Oh! Never been on a date before." He smiled. Anyone else, and he'd have stuttered, blushed and expected a burst of mocking laughter afterwards. But not with Sirius.

"Well then, I'll just have to make it the best first date you'll ever go on then!" Sirius's squeezed Remus's hand in his.

"With you here, it already is." Remus squeezed back.

Thankfully, Sirius had mercy on Remus, and they decided to go on their date on the second Wednesday of the holidays, just before Lily and James came back on that Friday morning. Remus had no experience planning dates whatsoever, let alone for a blind person, and all of his ideas seemed to not work - either requiring sight or not allowing dogs, even Guide Dogs. Remus wasn't prepared to leave Padfoot behind.

For the millionth time in the past year and a half of being away from home, Remus cursed himself for not exploring the local area or researching about the city, realizing he had no idea of where to take Sirius.

_ Bless Google _ , he thought, as he decided on Preston Park. It seemed perfect! Nice and quiet, lots of open space, smooth paths so Sirius wasn't likely to trip and they could let Padfoot off of duty for a little bit. The picnic he packed wasn't too extraordinary if he was honest, just sandwiches, crisps and finger foods, as well as more brownies the two had made the day before (no awkward almost-kiss-incidents the second time around, even though Sirius managed to get covered in batter  _ again _ ).

The park was as lovely as the pictures online had been, and Remus was content knowing Sirius could at least see the blurry, bright colours of the grass and patches of flowers. 

Remus chose a spot in the centre of one of the fields, pulling the blanket from the basket and laying it out before the pair sat down.

It was late afternoon, and surprisingly hot for British April, the sun beaming down on them in burning rays. Remus had opted for just a t-shirt rather than a sweater, and Sirius had his normal attire, minus the leather jacket. _ Looking beautiful as always... _ Remus sighed as Sirius began to rummage into the basket, chirping away happily about the new book he was reading

"How do you go about learning braille, anyway?" Remus questioned, bringing his fingertips to run over the bumps on his necklace. He'd become somewhat familiar with the feeling of the cold metal under his fingers, but still couldn't really read the numbers without looking at the ridges, too.

"It was really hard to be fair, I just had people reading out the questions in my GCSE's, so I only started to learn when I started Sixth Form. I had a teacher, and it was just lesson after lesson of remembering what position meant what letter!" Remus could tell by the groan of Sirius's voice that it was a hard process. "Honestly, I didn't get the hang of it until we moved out of James's parents and we had to stick braille labels on fucking everything! That book Lily got me was the first one in braille because they can be hard to come by and expensive."

"It's amazing though, that you can go about doing everything anyone else could thanks to braille and Padfoot!" Remus smiled, unclipping Padfoot from his harness, wondering if he'd run off to chase birds in the trees. He decided, however, to curl up next to Sirius, drooling over the sausage roll he was holding.

"It took a while but I'm so happy! I mean, I got to keep doing art which was the best thing and I never thought I'd be able to!"

"Your art is amazing! We've been friends for, what, eight months now? And your drawings still gobsmack me to this day!" Remus praised, watching as Sirius swallowed his food and began to blush.

"W-well, it helps that I have a good muse..."

In a burst of confidence, Remus leant forward and took Sirius's chin between his thumb and forefinger, murmuring, "And would that be me, by any chance..?"

Sirius's eyes widened and heat rushed to his face, and Remus gave a low laugh as he dropped his jaw.

"Really though, you're very talented!"

Remus had learnt how flustered Sirius could get over compliments, no matter how sure of his abilities he was! Sirius took a moment to calm down, uttering a humbled thanks. 

The conversation carried on as before, talking about books and classes and any topic that came to mind.

Remus wondered if this was how all first dates went.

He knew deep down that wasn't true. First dates were strange, often awkward, involving uncomfortable silences and embarrassing moments. But as Remus looked again at Sirius, hands flailing in some adorably elaborate retelling of a Senior School prank, he felt none of that. It had never felt so natural talking to someone. 

He wondered if it was because of how much he liked Sirius, then if it was because of Sirius's confident, bubbly personality. Then he seemed to realize - this wasn't their first date.

Every moment played like the scenes in a trailer. Every day in the art studio, all the trips to the Cafe alone,  _ the valentines day not-date _ ! Who had they been kidding, that was probably more of a date than James and Lily had gone on!

Briefly, he thought about if he and Sirius became official, and he asked him out. What would change between them?  _ Nothing, _ his mind helpfully answered for him, staring at the stunning artist. They would go to university, come home, bake something and order in food. They'd cuddle while watching films, hold hands down the street, and take day trips to the beach! Picnic dates would be a monthly occurrence, and they'd do proper double dates with the Potters. Perhaps they'd kiss, maybe more, and there'd be a label on it, but... really, they were already dating, weren't they?

Remus shook that idea right out of his mind.

_ Too soon, too fucking soon..! _

"Rem? You good over there, love? You've gone quiet?"

Sirius's angelic voice, hoarse but kind, snapped him from his spiralling - but not entirely unpleasant thoughts.

"Hm? Oh yeah, sorry, just got to thinking."

"What about?" Sirius asked anxiously.

"You." There was no sign of hesitation in Remus's voice.

Sirius seemed discomposed again, dark red on his cheeks and eyebrows raising. "Uh... do I need to be worried..? If you're bored..."

"No no no!" Remus panicked, waving his arms around in defence, "The total opposite! I've never had so much fun!" Sirius's face relaxed, lips curling into a wide smile and his cheeks seemed to darken even more.

"Me too, Rem! Hate to rain on your parade though, babe, but the sun is setting I think? All I see is fuzzy orange."

Sirius was right, Remus discerned the sun dipping behind the trees and the golden light shining on Sirius's pale skin.  _ Could this man ever look bad or unflattering? Likely not! _

"I don't wanna go yet..." Remus huffed childishly, puffing his cheeks and frowning.

"Nor do I..." Sirius's face dropped before he looked up, smiling again, "I have an idea, if you can manage a bit of a walk?" Sirius nodded towards Remus's leg.

Remus knew he'd be fine, and he'd do anything to stay with Sirius even longer (even if they were going home together anyway). He packed up, putting the leftover food and wrappers into the wicker basket, clipped the lead to the harness and woke a snoring Padfoot. Finally, they stood, and Sirius folded the blanket and handed it to Remus, who put it in the basket ready to go. Sirus slipped his hand into Remus's and they began to walk. 

It ended up being a 35-minute walk in the end, and while Remus was beginning to limp by the end of it, he kept going with anticipation and excitement as he guessed where they were headed. The Pier.

The sun had entirely set by the time they reached the seaside, and Padfoot was taking slow but content steps as they approached the pier. They stayed in a comfortable silence most of the time, Sirius clinging tightly to Remus and smiling to himself.

As they stepped onto the wooden boards, Sirius seemed to count with each step, before mumbling under his breath and turning fiercely to his left and striding until he hit the barrier. Remus was forced to turn and walk with him, wondering how he didn't get whiplash from the violent and unexpected movements!

"I haven't done this in a while..." Sirius confessed with a light smile. His hand slid from Remus's to grab his wrist instead, gently, swiping his thumb over the pulse point before he lifted his hand. Goosebumps spread up his arm at the feeling of Sirius's warm skin against the cold air of the night. He instructed Remus to point, and he obeyed, stretching out his index finger to the sky. Sirius moved his hand a little, and sighed.

"Do you see that star?" Sirius queried, "The one you should be pointing at?" Remus followed down his arm, over the back of his hand and to the end of his fingers, staring just past it to the airspace. One star shone against the darkness above his nails, bright and white, bolder than the other pinpricks of light in the sky.

Remus hummed to say yes, he did. Rather clearly, too.

"That one's Sirius. Brightest star in the sky."

"Really?"

"Mmh... And that..." He moved Remus's wrist again, barely an inch to the right and down a millimetre, "Is Mirzam."

Awed, Remus stared at the blanket of peacock blue in the sky and the stars against it, slowly talking in the other stars around it to form the Canis Major constellation. He glanced over at Sirius, who was seemingly staring into nothing, unable to see the stars he was gesturing to.

"How do you know where they are?"

"I used to come here all the time. I got in trouble for being home late a lot, because after I went to James's after school, I came here. I always wanted to bring Reg but couldn't. Never had the chance." He had an ambivalent look on his face, eyes soft and lips slightly upturned. "The last time I came here I was 16. I was in the hospital for a few weeks, and then Fleamont, James's dad, wouldn't let me go out for a while. Too worried. When I could, I made James take me here and count out the exact amount of steps and where to point to I could see Sirius again. When he took me, you could see Leo at the time. Regulus is a star too, you know? In the Leo Constellation. It's the 21st brightest star in the sky, but James said it seemed brighter than even Sirius that night. It probably was."

"He's looking over you, you know?" Remus smiled, lowering his arm. "It was so bright because Regulus wanted you to know he was there."

"But I couldn't see him."

"No, you couldn't. But James was there, and he saw it and told you, and Regulus would be happy that someone who meant a lot to you - and to him - could tell you he was there."

Remus turned his body to face Sirius and took his shoulders, turning him in the same manner. He bought one hand to Sirius's face, resting on his skin and moved his thumb back and forth.

"You keep saying you don't want me to leave you like Reg did, but he never really left, Sirius. He's with you through every decision and movement and thought you have, everything you do. He's your brother and he loved you, and he'll always be a part of who you are."

A singular tear slid down Sirus's cheek, gathering on Remus's thumb before he dighted it away. A tentative hand reached up, and Sirius tracked his fingers down the chain around Remus's neck, before he took the pendant and rested it in his palm. His thumb stroked slowly over the braille.

"Do you think Regulus lead you to me that day, for some reason?"

"Perhaps. Maybe it wasn't to tell him he was there for you, though. Maybe it was because he wanted you to be happy again, and he thought I would make you happy."

Sirius choked back a sob. "You do, Rem. You make me so happy." Diving forwards, he pushed his face into the crook of Remus's neck, keeping his hand on the pendant and crying into his shoulder. Remus felt the wetness from his tears on his neck, and wrapped his arms around Sirius.

"I'm so glad I do, Siri. You make me happy, too."

They stayed like that for a while, the sky darkening further and Sirius eventually calmed again. Remus suggested they took a taxi back to the flat rather than walking, and thankfully found a taxi rank nearby the pier that had room for Padfoot - who still ended up curled on Sirius's lap in the back seat, and remained in a calm quietness throughout the short drive.

"I can't believe I cried on our first date!" Sirius chortled sarcastically, throwing the apartment keys onto to the side table. Padfoot, now unhooked from his harness thanks to Remus, ran straight to his bed, twirling a few times on the spot and plunked down with an exhausted growl.

Remus smiled, shaking his head and coming to stand behind his friend. He ran his fingers through his hair and rubbed the back of his neck. "It's fine! I think you needed it and I still had a wonderful time. I don't think the stars have ever looked so pretty,"  _ Or you... _ Remus didn't have the nerves to say.

Sirius leant back into the touch, humming contently and Remus kept his hand moving. 

"Come and cuddle me in bed?" Sirius sighed with a pout. Remus moved some of Sirius's hair to behind his shoulder, kissing the skin behind his ear. 

"I have something I need to do first." Sirius's head turned in concern, looking oddly at Remus. "Don't worry, love, nothing bad. I'll meet you in there? I shouldn't be longer than half an hour or so."

"Hm... okay!" Sirius yawned, kissing his friends cheek and heading through the door towards the bedroom. Remus breathed, relaxing his shoulders and tilting his head back.

_ Now or never... _

He walked over to the sofa and grabbed his school satchel from the coffee table. Rummaging around inside, he pulled out a jotter pad and fountain pen from the bottom. He uncapped the pen and drew a few lines on the first pad page to check the ink was flowing, before flipping over to a new sheet of paper and beginning to write.


	10. Rosewood Wax Seals

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another short one again, I'm so sorry!  
> Only two chapters to go now though <3

He could only find A4 envelopes in the Potters house. He was worried it would make it look too serious and urgent. Then again, it was, in a way. He'd scrawled the letter wanton, crossing out wrong spellings and hoping the tearstains on the paper weren't too noticeable. He poured his heart and soul into the message, scribbling each sentence without thought for the next. He wasn't even sure if it made sense. 

The address on the front was written perfectly, almost looking as uniform it seemed printed and immaculate (other than the smudge of ink near the postcode - another tear). He'd wondered if the letter would be ignored if they could tell it was his typically messy and unintelligible script, and decided on playing it safe by writing the letters as precise as possible.

Remus's hand shook a little as he pushed the envelope into the slot of the red post box, the fingers of his other hand tangled with Sirius's.

"I did it..." He sighed, feeling the weight of the world finally slip off of his shoulders.

Sirius smiled as him and rested his head on his shoulder, "I know I don't know what you wrote, but I am so proud of you either way! I can't imagine how hard that was..."

"Thanks, I just knew I needed to do it eventually."

"Who was it for?" Sirius asked cautiously.

Remus hadn't told him what he wrote in the letter, or who addressed it to, and if he was perfectly honest, he wasn't sure why it took Sirius over 30 hours to ask. Lily and James would be coming home tomorrow, and he wanted to post it before then.

He didn't count on having a panic attack when he first reached the letterbox that morning. Grateful for both Sirius and Padfoot, he got over the clammy hands and tightening chest, and walked back to the flat, Sirius now clutching the letter in his hand.

Sirius had sat him down on the sofa and made him tea, bringing out some custard creams he found in the back cupboard, and they cuddled in silence until the late afternoon, Sirius tracing little patterns up and down Remus's arm to keep him calm. 

As 4 pm rolled around, Remus was determined to try again, and he headed out, Sirius holding his hand - they chose to leave Padfoot at home this time. 

He'd posted it, of course. But that didn't negate the constant shaking or all the warmth that drained from his body as he approached the postbox.

Now the envelope was gone, finally  _ gone _ , they began to walk along the main road, not back to the flat, but to the little cafe they often frequented.

"My parents." Remus finally answered rather stoically.

"Oh. Okay. Well, I'm proud of you, Rem." Sirius smiled, stepping a little closer to his friend. "Hey, can we sit down before we go in? On the bench outside?"

Remus had no complaints - the streets were entirely dead, and there was no chance James could pop out of nowhere this time around. So they settled on the bench, Sirius sitting a few inches away from Remus, upright and hands planted firmly in his lap.

The bench looked over to a green on the other side of the road, and Remus found himself people-watching: dog walkers, families, one man jogging through and a young girl with bright hair and headphones. He tried to focus on them, watching everyone's steps and smiles and jogs, rather than Sirius next to him, hands fidgeting and leg bouncing uncontrollably. Initially, he stayed silent, hoping Sirius would speak first and explain what was bothering him. After a moment, however, the moving and jittering became frustrating, and Remus turned to his friend.

"Siri, are you alright?"

"Uh... yeah. I need to tell you something, though..."

Remus's heart dropped at the prospect and wondered if Sirius regretted the date, or the cuddling or any of it. "Of course, anything."

"I was in therapy for a long time. It's a type of therapy called CBT, that examines your behaviour and your thinking patterns to help fix your mental health and such."

"Okay." Remus decided against mentioning he already knew Sirius had been in therapy, not when Sirius was shaking and looking down, seemingly startled to tell him.

"Well, I quit back in November because I thought I was better. I'd met you and I was really really happy. But last night made me realise that... I'm not better. Not really." Sirius took in a shaky breath and placed his hand on the bench next to him. Remus laid his hand on top. "I think I'm going to go back to therapy. I don't know if I'll go back to CBT or if I'll try something new like EFT, but I think I need to."

It wasn't was Remus was expecting, but there were definitely no complaints. Remus was glad Sirius had finally spoken about it - he'd been terrified for months that he was the reason Sirius left therapy. He knew the hard way that no amount of love, kisses, sex, cuddles or dates could fix your mental health. As much as he wanted Sirius to suddenly be happy and perfect and mentally well because he'd turned up and showed him love, it wasn't a perfect fix. Sirius had been abused, beaten, seen his brother die and left to live with a permanent reminder in the form of blurry colours and scars he could only feel. The brain was a funny thing.

"Okay, Sirius. I'm proud of you for deciding that. You didn't need to tell me though, if you weren't comfortable." Sirius's head seemed to drop down further in shame.

"Therapy isn't easy, and there were times after my sessions where I lashed out or got withdrawn. I-I wanted to tell you in case you wanted to- I mean if you didn't want to deal with me. In case you wanted to put this - us - on pause. Or end it. I don't want to be a burden..."

Remus laced his hand with Sirius's properly, and used his other hand to turn Sirius's head to face him.

"Sirius, you have been through so much and you're so strong to want to go back to Therapy. I'm here for you, through thick and thin, and stand by you for as long as you want me. I did Therapy too so I know how hard it can be, and you're brave for wanting to go back.

"Thank you, Rem." Sirius smiled, soft and small but genuine.

Even after knowing him for 8 months, Remus could gasp at how beautiful Sirius was. There was no dramatic lighting this time, no underlying awkward tension or anxiety, just Remus looking at the long, dark lashes that fluttered with each blink. Or the red blush on his cheeks and the end of his nose, or the very faint freckles on his forehead that likely only Remus knew were even there. His lips look soft, still curled in a gently smile and Remus couldn't help but smile back.

"This is going to seem really out of place, considering the previous conversation..." Remus murmured, leaning forwards a little.

"Yes?"

"Can I kiss you, Sirius?"

Sirius gave a low and light laugh, and grinned. "I thought you'd never ask!" He tilted his head up as he shuffled closer to Remus on the bench, bringing his hands to cup his face as he so often did.

It didn't take long for Remus to close the gap, touching his lips to Sirius's lightly and closing his eyes. Sirius's lips moved against his, soft and nervous, not like the desperate, hungry kiss he'd always imagined, but still so perfect. His hand tracked from the side of Sirius's face, to settle in his hair, the feeling of electricity on his lips and at his fingertips, nipping lightly at Sirius's bottom lip as his mouth opened a little further. 

He'd never want to stop. With the feeling of his hands on Sirius, lips pressed together and taste of coffee and Sirius settling on his tongue, he felt overwhelmed. It was more than perfect, more than anything he'd ever wanted or dreamt of, and he cursed himself for waiting so long.

Sirius's hand wandered a little further down his neck and he gave a happy sigh into Remus's mouth, before leaning back, separating the two and smiling. 

"You know..." He began, slightly out of breath but happy, "When we sat here in November, I was going to ask you out on a date, before James turned up."

"Oh yeah!" Remus laughed leaning back a little more but keeping his hands on Sirius, "Did he ever tell you about that?"

"Hm?"

"He was jealous. Was worried he was going to lose you to me or I'd hurt you. We talked it over, though, and is's fine."

Sirius smirked, "Does that happen to have anything to do with James knowing you were gay?"

"H-he may or may not have been the one to tell me I was in love with you..." Remus blushed, looking away from Sirius's face and pulling his hands away.

"In love, hm?"

_ Fuck. Fuck. If that isn't the definition of moving fast, who knows what fucking is?! _

"I quite like you saying that," Sirius continued playfully, "Thank goodness I'm in love with you too, then!" He leant forward once more, placing another lingering kiss on his lips. "Now... I don't know about you..." Sirius bought his hands to the back of Remus's neck, tugging him a little closer and dropping his voice to a low murmur, "We have the apartment to ourselves for one more night, and I hope you're not opposed to taking advantage..?"

They couldn't get through the apartment door fast enough, and Remus slammed it shut, pining Sirius against it and reattaching their lips. His tongue swiped along Sirius's bottom lip, who moaned as his lips parted.

"G-get this thing off!!" Sirius laughed, tugging at the neck of Remus's sweater, before leaning back to tug it off. He ran his hands over his bare chest and crashed their lips together again as Remus tangled his hands in Sirius's hair and tugged. Moving his lips down, Remus kissed along Sirius's jaw, biting along his neck and admiring the small red marks in its wake, savouring the small whimpers from Sirius. 

Sirius moved to swipe his tongue along the shell of Remus's ear, biting lightly at the lobe before whispering, "Is it way to soon to ask you to be mine? For you to be my boyfriend?"

Remus didn't freeze this time, not like normal.

He already thought it was perfect - having his hands on the man he loved, Sirius reciprocating with rough kisses and hands in his curls. It was so much better than he'd dreamed, and it took every ounce of self-restraint he had to not pinch himself to make sure it wasn't all just a figment of his imagination. Just as he thought this moment couldn't get any better, Sirius said that and his heart swelled.

Why should he have frozen? He had nothing to lose - Sirius was just as in love with him. Time was too short to be fucking nervous, now more than ever.

He pulled Sirius's face back up, drawing him into a fierce kiss once again, "God yes. Yes, I'm yours, I thought you'd never ask me!"

"Don't leave me, please, ever." Sirius mumbled, keeping Remus's lips between his teeth.

"Never. As long as you never leave me."

"Never."

He didn't need anyone else. Maybe Lily, Peter and James. And Padfoot for Sirius, of course. But now he knew the feeling of Sirius, how he smelt and how he tasted, the feeling of his hand tracing his scar and fingers laced in his hair. He knew what Sirius's own scars felt like, the bumps along his spine in a thulian pink. He knew what it was like to sit with him on the beach, carry him to the car, to see him leaning over the barriers of the pier and point to the sky. He'd seen Sirius in hospital, in the cafe, at the graveyard and at that fucking art studio that would be engrained, etched and permanently inked into his brain, never complete without the image of that gorgeous blind artist in punk boots and leather jackets. 

Now he knew all of that, he needed nothing else.

Remus's mind thought back to the letter sitting in the post box, ready to be picked up and sent off in the morning, and he suddenly couldn't care how it went. He almost regret being so polite. Because with his boyfriend pinned between his body and the apartment door, telling him how much he loved him, nothing else really mattered.

** ~~~ **

_ To Mum and Dad,  _

_ I'm sorry I haven't visited you in a while! I'm going to try and come up during my week off in June, Lily said she'll lend me her car so I don't need to pay for a train like all of last year! _

_ I won't bring them this time as the cottage is really small, but I can't wait for you to meet my friends. It's amazing, being sucked into this little group and feeling like I belong there! _

_ James and Lily are married and have been since they turned 18. They're in Egypt at the moment as James loves Archeology! They're so happy together and are they funniest couple ever, Dad, you'll love James's humour! He's the captain of the football team here at uni too! _

_ Mum, you'll love Peter! He can be a little quiet, but he's so kind and caring - and makes a victoria sponge that is almost as good as yours! You two would talk about baking and flowers and knitting for hours on end! _

_ I had a reason for wanting to write, of course, but it's a little difficult for me to put into words because of how you feel about who I am, but I love who I am and now know how I feel, I need to tell you eventually. _

_ I've fallen in love. _

_ It seems kind of cringy, really, but I have and it's the most wonderful feeling in the world. I know you two felt the same when you first fell in love with each other and I'm sure you still do! I don't know if it will last (I really hope it does, because I've never felt so loved before) but I'll savour every moment I have with him. _

_ His name is Sirius, and I've never met someone so wonderful. He's how I met James, Lily and Peter, actually. He studies Fine Art here at the uni and is the top in his class. It's amazing, really, because he's also blind. He has a beautiful guide dog called Padfoot but he's really independent and well adapted. He's gorgeous, easily the most attractive person I've laid my eyes on. He's snarky and sarcastic and so flirty, but also the most caring, nurturing and loving person you could imagine. He means everything to me, Mum and Dad, he really does. He bought me a necklace for Christmas with the date we met in braille. He loves my scar, we go on spontaneous days out, he's taught me how to spot constellations and every moment I spend with him is perfection. _

_ It might seem like a bit of a rush and very sudden, considering we've only been on one date and haven't even kissed, but I'm going to ask if he wants to move in with me. If not right away, then maybe he will for the third year of studies. _

_ He keeps saying it's destiny that we met. He had a rough childhood, but it's not my place to say what happened. You can ask him when you meet him. If you meet him. _

_ I hope you do. _

_ I'm sick and tired of asking for approval. I'm not asking if it's okay for me to date his man, or move in with him, or perhaps even marrying him in the future because I know how in love I am and your opinions of me, or him, or the nature of our relationship will not change how I feel. _

_ I want you to meet him, when you're ready, but I will not put my love on hold while I wait for you to come around to the idea. I know you just want me to be happy, and Sirius is what makes me happy. I refuse to lose him because you do not approve of us. _

_ I hope you still want me to visit this June, but let me know if you don't. I won't be bringing Sirius either way, not just yet. I'll give you both time to come to terms with my relationship, and then we can talk about it during my trip, perhaps? _

_ I still love you both the same and I hope you still love me too.  _

_ All my love, Remus. X _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ya'll can stop hating me for the cliffhangers now!! :)


	11. Perfect

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We do have an epilogue coming, but this is technically the last chapter! Thank you to everyone who gave me their support throughout this, I love you all more than you know! 
> 
> You're my Cosmic Karma <3

"You never did tan well!" Sirius screeched, clutching his side in laughter as Remus tugged the bag from Lily's grip despite her protests.

Lily looked gorgeous - she always did, but more so now - with a beautiful dark tan and ginger hair, naturally lightened from the sun. Thanking Remus, she beamed, before joining Sirius in his laughter, hiding her giggles from her less-than-impressed husband.

James stood in the centre of the room, arms crossed over his chest and glaring at Sirius. As much as Remus wanted to tell his boyfriend to knock it off, Sirius made a very valid point.

James, normally very handsome with dark and unblemished skin, had an ungodly tan, with strange tan lines and burns and red patches across his face and arms. 

Remus let out a small giggle, laughing more as James turned and glared at him.

"Okay! I get it! I look like complete and utter shite! That's what I get for having a white dad, now fucking drop it!" He shouted, before laughing himself, leaning against the suitcase handle for support. 

Eventually, the giggles died down, and Remus took the bags into James and Lily's room, returning to see the three friends sat on the sofas. Padfoot, having gotten over the excitement of the Potters being home, curled up next to Lily.

"It was just wonderful, Sirius! We got to see Mahmya Island, and the sea was just so clear!" Lily squealed, leaning into her husband - who flinched a little as she touched a patch of burnt skin on his arm.

"And the museums! Oh, the museums! Remus, you'd have loved them!" James praised at Remus sat down next to Sirius, who promptly leaned into his side.

They spent the next hour talking about their trip, procrastinating from unpacking by showing Remus all of the pictures they'd taken and raving about the hotels and views they saw! James spoke none stop of the history and discovery, Lily butting in every now and then to glow about the ocean, or the nature or stores! 

They'd spent the first week on a cultural adventure holiday, moving between cities and hotels to see as many sights as possible! They visited every museum, went on every scuba diving trip and every excursion they could! Lily had to lecture James multiple times about how he couldn't buy  _ every single fucking souvenir _ he saw, and James spent his time dragging around an exhausted Lily to look at ruins that meant nothing to her - but Remus and Sirius both knew that she loved to see how excited James was at all of the history!

The second week was spent relaxing, settled at the Steigenberger Coraya Reef Hotel, moving between the private beach and the various pools, tanning and wishing they weren't going back home.

Lily ran off at one point, coming back into the living room with little paper bags, handing one to Sirius and the other to Remus. They both pulled out a charm each - a Cartouche, as James had called it - with hieroglyphic engravings spelling their names. Remus wondered is Sirius thought the same as him - the irony that they'd been bought matching pendents unknowingly.

Remus had never seen the couple so happy, absolutely beaming smiles and jittering with excitement from their trip. Sirius had a content smile seeing how thrilled they were and listened carefully to every word.

"Right!" James slapped his thighs and huffing, "We have to get going!"

"Going where?" Sirius asked, cocking his head to the side in curiosity.

Lily smiled, "Meeting Pete at the cafe! We- Uh... we have something rather important to tell you all, and we'd rather tell everyone all together."

She looked a strange mix of nervous and excited, still jittery and Remus wondered if  _ that  _ \- the important news - was why they were so all over the place, rather than the trip itself. Sirius looked neurotic enough he could combust and Remus wanted nothing more than to know what was going on inside of his head.

"Don't be worried, it's nothing bad!" James reassured upon seeing the look on Sirius's face.

"Okay then..." Sirius mumbled wearily, before shuffling as he started to stand. "I'll just get my jacket," Sirius smiled, kissing Remus lightly on the lips before standing. "Babe, can you get Pads into his harness for me?"

"You just kissed!"

"Babe?!" 

Lily and James shouted at the same time, both leaping from the sofa animatedly in shock. Knowing exactly what he'd done, Sirius began to laugh again, "What do they look like, Rem?! Are they shocked?"

"I mean, somewhat..? Lily looks a little smug, though!"

"Damn right I'm smug! I told you, Rem! I told you that you were being stupid! Didn't I, James! Uh, James, love?" Lily looked to see James stood still, an unreadable expression on his face as his eyes flicked between Remus on the couch and Sirius stood next to him. Panicking, Remus bolted upright, somehow expecting James to lecture him on looking after Sirius. Instead, James's lips curled up into a smile and he began to shake his head exasperatedly.

"Took you both fucking long enough..."

Pete was already at the cafe by the time the rest of them turned up, and the usual routine began. Peter went to order the drinks and pull over a chair as James and Lily slid into one side of the booth, Sirius and Remus in the other. Remus had one arm over Sirius's shoulders as his boyfriend pressed into his side, this hand running through his hair. His other hand clutched his mug, sipping at his milky tea as the other drinks were passed around. Everyone else had their usuals: Peter and Sirius both had their one shot Americanos, James having a caramel latte and Lily with her 'fancy iced coffee bullshit', as James still called it! 

It was a strange form of nostalgia, seeing everyone exactly as they were, with the smallest differenced that no one else would have noticed.

James and Lily were the same, just thing darker skin and hundreds of storied to tell. Peter was still quiet and comedic, but his mum was on the mend at last and his Valentines date had gone wonderfully - he had told Remus he wanted to introduce her to his parents! Sirius was less flustered and jittery, calm, collected and more importantly, happy. Remus himself, well, he was an entirely different person. The people around him weren't acquaintances, they were friends, amazing friends he loved so dearly, and Sirius wasn't an unreachable star in the sky, he was  _ his!  _ He was his boyfriend, they loved each other and it was perfect.

"So, how did it happen then?" James smiled, lifting his mug to his lips and looking over the rim at Remus, "How did you finally snatch him up after months of oblivious pining?"

Peter looked up at them, seeming to only now notice Sirius near enough curled on Remus's lap, playing with the pendant on his necklace. "Wait, are you two finally shagging?"

Remus wondered how Sirius could just laugh it off and play along as his own face went red and his shoulders stiffened.

"Well!" Sirius began, curling up tighter against his boyfriend and flailing his arms for dramatic effect, "I got covered in brownie batter, Rem pussied out of kissing me, I declared my undying love, I cried over Reg again and then he fucked me against the front door after I asked him to be my boyfriend!"

"Sirius!"

"Well, Rem! I'm not wrong!"

Sirius did clear it up, thankfully, explaining everything from the picnic date, to the constellations to the first kiss outside of the cafe. They kept some things to themselves, such as the letter Remus had sent - he explained to Sirius later on the content of the note - or how Remus had seen the scars on Sirius's back. They left out everything about destiny and karma, keeping the most important parts, the parts that were all them, secret. They remained between Remus, Sirius and the stars.

"So basically..." Sirius smiled, pausing to take a sip of his coffee. He set the mug down and took Remus's hands in his, "I have the most wonderful boyfriend in the world and I'm the luckiest man alive!" He leant forward and kissed the corner of Remus's lips, unaware of how red he turned at the small action and perfect words.

Lily looked as though she could cry, and James looked smug and pleased at the couple. Peter  _ was _ crying, sniffling slightly and trying to play it off as he kept drinking. No one said a word as Sirius came to the end of the climactic story, and Remus wasn't sure there was anything TO say; he'd explained it all perfectly, as though it was a romance novel, and left no room for questions at the end.

Remus kept his eyes on Sirius and thought of one correction in the story. Really, it was Remus who had the most wonderful boyfriend, and it was Remus who was the luckiest man alive.

"Anyway!" Sirius declared with a clap, snapping everyone out of their loved up trance. Lily and Peter wiped their eyes, and James smiled at Remus, nodding in his direction and raising his drink a little off of the table as a toast. Even just that small gesture meant the world to Remus - James was happy for them. He wondered if Regulus would have done the same.

"I believe we had some other news to find out?" Remus smirked, widening his eyes at Lily, who narrowed hers in return.

He knew exactly what it was. He wasn't dumb.

She knew he knew exactly what it was. She wasn't dumb, either.

Going by the blank looks across Sirius's and Peter's faces, the didn't have a single clue as to what it was and, in fact, seemed very much dumb.

"Well..." The strawberry blonde began, sliding her fingers between James's and looking at him for reassurance. He asked his wife if she wanted him to say it, and she gave nothing more than a nod.

"Lily... uh... She's pregnant! Already 5 months!"

"We're having a baby!"

Peter squeaked, instantly congratulating the two of them, shaking in his seat and smiling wider than Remus had ever seen! He was over the moon for them! Remus was too, and also gave his congratulations, reaching over to shake James's hand and lacing his fingers with Lily for a moment, telling himself to remember to hug her later. James instantly jumped into eager conversations with Peter, who decided he would teach her to cook if they had a daughter! James excitedly let loose that they'd been to the second sonogram and already knew they were having a baby boy and began to think of names! James had always wanted a son to teach football and take travelling, and Peter was overwhelmed with love and happiness for them.

Lily looked over to Sirius, who had closed his eyes and stayed silent. He didn't look particularly happy or sad, rather unemotional and unbothered.

Remus looked towards Lily, who instead of looking overjoyed as Peter and James were, looked anxious and put off.

"Sirius, are you alright?" She asked worriedly.

"Pregnant?"

"Yeah... Are you okay?"

Sirius looked up, and opened his eyes, smiling, "Okay? I'm more than okay! That's wonderful, Lily!" He reached across the table and Lily took his hands in hers, squeezing them tightly, "I'm so happy for you, Lily!"

"We have something we want to ask you though?"

"Do you want me to move out, because Rem and I were talking about moving in together when-"

"No no! We don't want you to go!" She exclaimed, still holding his hands tight, "I mean, if you want to, go for it Sirius, but you - both of you - will always be welcome at ours! No, we have something else we wanted to ask you. Two things really."

Remus wondered if he should join in with Peter and James's conversation, as Lily's voice seemed to turn serious and determined. But as Sirius asked what she wanted, he saw no harm if they hadn't already left the table.

"Well, firstly... We- Ugh! Sirius, you're basically my brother in law!" She seemed frustrated, stumbling over her words and pausing to take a deep breath. "Sirius, I love you to the ends of the universe. I want you to be my baby's Godfather."

"...What?"

"You can say no if you want to, of course!"

Sirius dropped his jaw, "Say no? Why would I say no?! Lily, I want nothing more, I can't believe you want me to be his Godfather!"

"Of course! No one means more to James than you and I know you'll do right by our child, Sirius."

They fell into a happy quiet, Remus watching in awe at their exchange - he knew Sirius was an important part of their lives, but he'd never quite seen how much Lily truly loved him. Even he felt emotional watching it, and James and Peter quietened down as they sat in silence, still holding hands across the table.

"What was the second thing?" Sirius choked out, impassioned.

James turned to face him, rubbing his neck nervously. "Now this, right, you really can say no to. We know it's a lot to ask of you and we really do understand if you say no. We've been thinking about names..."

"His middle name would be James, right? Like you and your father?"

"Well yes..." Lily mumbled, "But we want to give him another middle name. We didn't know if it was out of place for when you have your own kids, or..." She trailed off, looking down and letting go of Sirius's hands.

"We want his second middle name to be Arcturus, in honour of Reg." James finally said with a satisfying but nervous sigh.

Remus felt Sirius tense against his side and take in a choked breath, and shook a little. His hands tightened into fists on the table. He stayed quiet for a moment and the air was thick in anticipation - everyone seemed to wonder if Sirius was just thinking about it, going to blow up and shout or just cry.

"After how he treated you?"

"I still loved him all the same, Sirius. That wasn't who he was. That was me not protecting the two of you well enough. He wanted to come with you and you know he would have done. We thought you'd want to use Reg's name, so we wanted to ask about his middle name instead."

Sirius took in another shaky breath, before letting his shoulders relax and opening his palms again. "Regulus was as much your brother as he was mine. It was us three against the world..." Sirius smiled, "Yes, he'd be honoured if you used Arcturus, as would I!"

James let out a sigh of relief and grinned, taking one of Sirius's hands and Lily took the other.

After a brief period of silence, Peter exclaimed about his hopefully girlfriend-to-be, and all awkwardness in the air was gone as they began to ask about her. 

Sirius leant over, after a while, to ask Remus if he'd come out to the front with him, and they excused themselves from the table before sitting on the bench at the front.

"Are you really okay?" 

"Yeah," Sirius smiled with a happy hum, "I don't think I've ever been happier." He rested his head on his boyfriend's shoulder, playing with his necklace once again. "I didn't think a random day in September would be so important to me..."

Remus bought his hand to play with Sirius's hair, content with the satisfied sigh he gave at the feeling. He'd only been dating Sirius for less than twenty four hours officially, but they'd been the best twenty four hours ever, filled with cuddles and kisses and muttering small 'I love you's and 'You mean everything to me' to each other, and Remus wouldn't change a thing - except for maybe waiting so long to do anything about it.

"Things are really going to change now, aren't they?" Remus asked, somewhat rhetorically as he rested his cheek on Sirius's head.

"Things haven't stopped changing since you came into my studio, if I'm honest. More has happened to me in the last eight months than the last five years. I mean, new friend, new boyfriend, Pete's mum getting well, you coming out, and now a Potters kid named after my brother and I get to be his Godfather? So much is changing every single day, Rem."

"Do you think this is all fate, too?

"Destiny, my love, it's destiny."

Remus giggled, kissing the top of Sirius' hair and leaning further into him. "Same difference?"

"Perhaps. I think fate is what you make of it. You get given choices and you have a different fate depending on what you do. I had the choice to carry on with art, or order coffee, or stay friends with James. Destiny is just predetermined, and it'll happen no matter what you do. James would always end up with Lily, Regulus would always die too soon and I'd always meet you."

"Maybe you are my destiny, then."

"Maybe."

Sirius suddenly sat up and grabbed Remus's face, smiling.

"Move in with me! We'll find a place together, just us two! I have money from my uncle so it doesn't matter if you have to stay in the dorms until July! I just want to live with you."

"You don't think it's too soon?" Remus asked, shaken up at the suddenness of the question but beaming with excitement, "Are you sure?"

"I've never been more sure of anything, other than asking you to be my boyfriend!"

Remus kissed him once, then twice, smiling against his lips and pulling him into a hug. "Then  _ yes _ ! Of course I want to move in with you! When can we start looking around places?!" Remus giggled, only half-joking and Sirius hugged him tighter!

Remus had used the word perfect a lot the past eight months. Sirius was perfect from the moment he met him, from his perfect hair to perfect eyes and perfect personality. His friends were perfect. Christmas was perfect. His necklace was perfect. As was the stars, the beach, the brownies, Valentine's day, everything. Sirius loving him back was perfect. Things couldn't be described as 'more perfect'. He knew rationally that couldn't be possible, it didn't make sense.

But Sirius really did make things even more perfect.

Sirius pulled back, holding Remus's head again and fondly swiping his thumb over the scar, just as he had back in September.

"You're so perfect, Sirius. I love you so much."

"You're perfect too, Remus. I love you even more.

Thank fuck for that Cosmic Karma."


	12. Epilogue: Diamond Headstones

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anyone who's read Nothing Changes If Nothing Changes knows I'm a huge sucker for monologuing! Enjoy this short little addition <3
> 
> Thank you to everyone who's left Kudos and Commented, your support means the world and I cannot express how grateful I am!! <3

"How was he?" Lily asked, taking a gurgling Harry from Remus's arms and snuggling him into her own. She decided not to mention that Remus looked utterly shattered, and Sirius seemed beyond stressed as he dragged his fingers through his hair.

"He was no trouble at all, Lils!" Sirius smiled, somewhat forced.

That wasn't true. It wasn't true at all. Remus knew this. Sirius knew this. Even 9 month old, newly crawling Harry knew this. Lily... Lily didn't need to know.

_ "How the hell did you lose him?!" _

_ "I don't know! I just lost sight of him!" _

_ "Well, I obviously can't see him! How the fuck did you manage this?!" _

_ "Just help me look for him, you prick!" _

_ "Remus...  _ **_ I! Can't! Fucking! See! _ ** _ " _

"Really Lily," Remus grinned - still clearly fake but a little more natural than his boyfriend, "He was no trouble at all! Good as gold, really!" 

Lily looked suspiciously between them but dropped it anyway, thanking them for taking care of Harry (Harry James Arcturus Potter, as Sirius only ever called him by his full name!) and heading out of their house.

The couple settled on their couch, plush and red, bright and bold enough for Sirius to see. Remus wrapped his arms around his boyfriend and played with his hair.

"I think I want one of those," Sirius mumbled against Remus's neck.

"Hm?"

"A kid. I want one."

Remus laughed, "You can't call kids 'those', Siri!"

"I know I know! But how does Carina Regulus Lupin-Black sound? Huh? That's just the coolest fucking name for a kid!"

"Carina? Sounds like a girls name..."

Sirius jumped up and stood with a thud, shoving his hands out and gesturing to himself, "And we break the fucking gender norms!" He screeched, "I'm a man in a crop top and pink fucking nail polish, Rem, stood over my boyfriend who just made a flower crown for his nephew today before baking cookies! You can fuck right off if you think I'm not naming my kid some funky gender-neutral bullshit!" He laughed, flopping back down onto the sofa and curling back up to Remus, who was also giggling at his boyfriend's antics.

"Okay, okay, you have a point!" He grinned, raising his hands as a sign of innocence, "But kids? Yeah, I want kids..."

"Soon?"

"If you do!" 

Sirius smiled wide, and kissed him on the lips, then his cheek and then jaw. "Is it too soon for me to go and get my laptop so we can start looking? Get an idea of what we need to do and the adoption process?"

"Since when did we care about doing things too soon? Actually though Siri, I need to go out for a bit. We can look after though, right? I can't wait to have a family with you." 

** ~~~ **

"This is so bizarre," Remus laughed, sitting down cross-legged on the grass. "I never really thought I'd be doing this. Not so soon. And not to you, of all people. Most people go to their partner's parents, but I think you're a better option in this case.

I love Sirius a lot, you know. I mean, of course you know, you've been here the whole time! You're the reason we got together in the first place. But you know that, too."

Remus looked up at the grave, pulling a blade of grass from the ground ad twirling it between his fingers.

"He bought up about kids this morning. Chose a name and everything. I knew I wanted to marry him anyway, I said it to my parents before they disowned me, but seeing how excited he was as he talked about it, I knew! I knew there and then this is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. Carina Regulus Lupin-Black. Pretty name, right? I don't know why he chose Lupin-Black instead of Black-Lupin, but I guess it does sound better.

You didn't really have a say about us using your name - or James and Lily for their little Harry, either. But I like to hope, like to pretend that you'd want us to use Regulus for a middle name, and maybe you'd've used Sirius for your kids.

Anyway! I have a reason for being here!

At first, I was going to go to James and Lily and ask them seeing as they were such a huge part of his life and his only family for a long time. But we still talk about you, we go stargazing, look for Leo and Orion and I hold out his hand so he can point at you in the sky. I keep saying you never really left him, and I think that's right. So I thought I'd ask you.

Would you tell me we're moving too fast? I mean, we only celebrated our first anniversary two weeks ago. Would you sit here and call me stupid for asking him to marry me so soon? 

Would you even like me in the first place?"

As though a strange force was answering him, a gust of wind swirled around him - warm and comforting, rather than harsh and cold - and Remus knew Regulus was happy for them. He reached in his pocket and pulled out a small box, opening it and admiring the silver band inside.

"I want to marry your brother, Regulus, and I want your blessing. I hope he says yes."

Remus heard a step behind him, and a crunch of a twig beneath a shoe.

"Yes. Yes, of course I'd say yes!"

Standing up and jumping around, Remus saw Sirius in front of him, tears down his face, Padfoot stood with his tail wagging next to him. In his hand, he held a little black box.

"I- I just went out and bought it..." He opened it, and pulled out the ring inside, "I was going to ask you to marry me when you came home, and I wanted to speak to Reg before I did. Beat me to it..." Sirius laughed, stepping forward.

"So you'll marry me?" Remus asked, mind lagging as he caught up with what had just happened, suddenly aware he was half proposing in a graveyard - which was strangely symbolic for them both. Not that Remus wanted anything more than to propose to the love of his life while Regulus was right by them

"And you'll marry me?"

"Of course I'll marry you, Sirius. It's destiny."


End file.
